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January 12, 1995

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the
severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Faggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted
"Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot
but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press
conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The
flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube
igniting Mr. Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It also
set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine proppeling the rodent out
like a cannonball."

Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later
told reporters: "It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some
queers tradesman's entrance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The new priest at his first mass was so afraid, he could hardly
talk.  Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how
he could relax. The monsignor said, next week, it might help if you put
martinis in your water pitcher.  The next week the young priest put his
elder's suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm.  After
the sermon, he asked the monsignor how he did.  The monsignor replied,
"Fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you address
the congregation again."  

1.  Next time, sip the martinis rather than downing them glassful by
glassful.
2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.  David slew Golaith, he didn't "Kick the shit out of him."
5.  We do not refer to Our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his disciples
as J.C. and the boys.
6.  Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not
a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
7.  We do not refer to the Cross as "The Big T."
8.  The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as,
"Daddy, Junior and Spook."
9.  Please!  It is the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.
10.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
11.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
12.  When Joseph was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was "stoned off his ass."
13.  And last but not least, when you leave the altar, walk down
the steps, don't slide down the rail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'M GOING TO BE A BUILDER WHEN I GROW UP"

Did you hear about little Jimmy?  He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across
the street and watch the builders work.  Maybe you'll learn something." 

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours.  When he came home his Mother asked
him what he learned.  

Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the
son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back
down.  Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the
Mother fucker back up."  

Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait til your Dad comes home."  When
Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across
the street.  Jimmy told his dad the whole story.  Dad said, "Jimmy, you
go outside and get the switch."  

Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."
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