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        A few students on foundation day painted a van with Lucas
Heights Nuclear Commission on the side of it and whilst driving through
George St, Sydney, rolled out a 40 gallon drum of green jelly onto the
road. They stopped, got out in suits and gieger counters set on max
sensitivity so as to continiuosly crackle. The resulting mayem of
pedestrians and drivers was something to behold. Soon the police
cordoned of the area. The driver of the van said he was off to get some
gear and disappeared. The others soon after also disappeared, leaving
the police with a 40 gallon drum with nuclear signs on it and green
stuff falling out of it and a very worried public.
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A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when
their car breaks down.  They are unable to get it fixed, so
they decide to spend the night in a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest:  Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem,
   under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in
   this one room.  I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun:  I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in
the room.  Ten minutes later...

Nun:  Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest:  Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest:  Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.  I don't think the Lord
   would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest:  You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop
to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem
is.

"Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file its
beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not
to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will
drown the first time it has a drink."

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak
modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it
himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy
enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner
says "the parrots dead". Pet shop guy says "I told you not to file the beak
back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?".

Ex-parrot owner says "Shit no, he was dead before I got him out of the
vice!!"
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Did you hear Rush Limbaugh got arrested?
The police searched his pants and found 200 pounds of crack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's grey and comes in buckets?
A: An elephant.
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Q: What do elephants use sheep for?
A: Tampons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
A: By the ears!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?
A: A lickalotopus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper?
A. He sold his soul to Santa.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get if you cross a penis and a potato?
A : A dictator.