[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

  A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.  He sat down
next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright
red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his
pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes
later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
 "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
 "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his
paper.
  The priest, thinking about what he said  turned to the man and
apologized.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have
you had arthritis"?
  "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chalky (ahem) is walking down the road one day, when he sees this chap
(Fred), surrounded by a crowd of people.  As he draws nearer, he notices
that Fred is jumping up and down on a manhole cover in the road, and
chanting "24...24...24" as he does it.
 
"Wot you doin' that for, man?" asks Chalky.
"Well," says Fred, "I found out this makes you feel REALLY good.  If you
jump up and down like this, it's just WONDERFUL."
Chalky elbows Fred aside and starts to jump up and down...
"24...24...24...I'm not feelin' anythin' yet... 24...24...24... am I
doin' this right?"
Suddenly, Fred grabs the manhole cover as Chalky is on the upswing and,
helped by gravity, Chalky disappears into the hole.
  
Fred puts the cover back, starts to jump up and down and chants
"25...25...25"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What goes       click, click, "is that it?"
                   click, click, "is that it?"
                   click, click, "is that it?"

A: Stevie Wonder with a Rubiks cube.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Sex was invented by Thomas Alva Edison on July
16, 1876.
     At the time, Edison had been working to develop
"entertainment devices" for the masses-and during the
previous months he had invented the whoopee-cushion,
the hand-buzzer, Play-Doh, fake-nose eyeglasses, the
first cordless vibrator (a massive steam-powered unit
that covered six and a half square city blocks and
required 235 men to operate), and the one device he
considered to be his greatest gift to mankind at the
time: the ball-point pen that turned over to reveal a
naked woman.
     Upon being introduced to sex, the country was
thrown into a turmoil-and in order to maintain order,
the government seized all of Tom's patents and drawings,
and locked them away in the federal archives until the
year 2186. (The only exception to this were his plans
for the steam-powered vibrator, which were released in
1964 and used as the basic design for the nuclear
submarine USS Trident.)
     Devastated at the havoc he'd created, Edison
redoubled his efforts to provide entertainment for the
masses and quickly invented movies, the mimeograph, and
the phonograph.
     In fact, his greatest invention of all, the light
bulb, was created as a means of deterring sex.
     Because as Tom himself put it, "Who in God's name
would ever want to do it with the lights on?"