[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

This first one would make a great sign to display at your place of work...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA)
has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on
my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails
or safety straps."
 
"As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today,
please take a number and wait your turn!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the
traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small villages.
After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride showing them the
sights of Greece.  After a while, they past a grove of fig trees.  After the
turists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those
trees?  I planted every one of those trees.  I nurtured every one of those
trees.  But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter?  No."  The couple looked
a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet.  After about 15 minutes,
they  past a nice village on the bank of the river.  The turists comment on
the beauty of the village.  Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses?
 I built every one of those houses.  With these two hands alone, I built
those houses.  But do they call me Zorba the house-builder?  NO."  The couple
again looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage.  They didn't
want to annoy him again.  After about 30 minutes, they pass a small fleet of
fishing boats.  The husband comments on the boats.  "You see all those boats?
I built those boats.  With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one
has sunk.  But do they call me Zorba the boat-builder?  NO!!"  The turists
stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built.
"Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife.  The guide looks at them and
says, "Oh, but you fuck one donkey..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        George Onassis (Papadopalous? -fts) was a very, very rich and 
successful, internationally known Greek ship owner.  One day, as Barbara
Walters was interviewing him about his life and times, the following occurred:
 
        [this is taking place as they wander over his beautiful estate,
        located (where else?) in Greece.....]
 
        "You see, Barbara," he tells her,  "This is where it all began.
This is the very land upon which I was born, and where I grew up.  Over
there (pointing towards a humble hut) is where I was born, where my father
was born, and his father,  yadayada,  blah, blah........"
 
        He goes on:  "Yes, these hills are where I grew up!  Why, just over
there, you see that little hill, with the gnarled old fig tree?"
 
        "Oh, yes," she exclaims, "How pretty.  How idylic(fts)."
 
        "Well," he says, "Just under that fig tree is where I had my first
sexual experience.  And, you see that bush on the other little hill over to
the left?  That is where her mother stood and watched!"
 
        This, of course tends to put Barbara off just a tad, but she pushes
bravely on:
 
        "Oh?"  she says, "And what did her mother say?"
 
        "Baaaaaa"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a Pub, and with a large smile says: "Half a pint of Vodka
and Half a pint of Pernod in the same glass, please!"
The barman looks uncertainly at this unusual request.
"Is Sir celebrating?" he asks the man.
"I've just had my first blow job!" the man replies.
"Oh, I drank Champagne after mine," bragged the Barman, handing over the
brew.
"Well," slurped the man, "I'll try some if this doesn't get rid of the
taste....."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   The two buddies went fishing but by the time the afternoon was over
one was ready to stab the other.  "I don't understand it," he cried.
"I have been fishing longer than you, I have a much better rod, I throw
my line better, and you're getting all the fish."
   "I play hunches," the other explained.  "When I get up in the
morning, if my wife is lying on her left side, I fish on the left side.
If she is lying on her right side, I always fish on the right side."
   "Suppose she's lying on her back?" his buddy snarled.
   "Then I don't go fishing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Superman is flying through the sky on a bright sunny afternoon when all
all of a sudden he spies Wonder Woman laying on the ground with her legs
apart.  He decides to fly down and do the dastardly deed with her, so he
swoops down - buzz - buzz -buzz - and flies off.  Wonder Woman laying on
the ground looks bewildered and dissheveled.  She comments, "What was
that????"   --- and the Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my butt
hurts!!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This girl gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer asks for her
driver's license. He reads her driver's license and sees that she is Polish.
So, he walks up to the car window pulls down his zipper and whips *it* out.
The Polish girls looks and says, "Oh Noooo! Not another breathalyzer test!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This little boy wakes up at 3:00am and has to go to the bathroom.  So he goes
down the hall past his mom & dad's room. The door was open and he looked in
and says, "Huh...... and they hollar at me for sucking my thumb...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy walks into his local with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman
takes a look at him and says "Thats nice, where did you get that
then", and the parrot replys, "Ireland, theres loads of them over
there!!!"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear of the Pollock who was found dead in his jail cell with
   twelve pumps on his head?
A" He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do they call syphilis in Russia?
A" Rotyacrotchoff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the German word for vaseline?
A: Vienerslide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the German word for virgin?
A: Goodentite.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the German word for bra?
A: Schtoppemfromfloppen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the correct term for that part of a woman's anatomy between the
   anus and the vagina?
A: A chinrest.