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Copy this first one onto company stationary and post it in the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To:  All employees
From: Management
RE:  Restroom Policy
 
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under
information guidelines.  Effective Feb. 1, 1995, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP)
will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each
employee's restroom time.
 
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each
employee.  The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom
Trip Credit of 20.  Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to
month.
 
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with
personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition
devices.  Before January 31, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to Management.  The voice print
recognition will be in operation, but not connected to restrooms until the
end of the month.  Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations
during that period.
 
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the
restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the
month.  In addition, any restroom stalls that are occupied for more than
three minutes, an alarm will sound.  Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds,
the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will
open.  If the stall still remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
 
The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office.  This is
being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms.  Anyone's picture
showing up three times will immediately be terminated.
 
If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are being chased through the
streets of a village by an angry mob intent on tearing them to bits for
previous jokes.
 
As they turn a corner, they spot a pile of sacks by the side of the path.
 The Englishman grabs three sacks and hands them out.  "We'll hide in
these until they've gone!" he explains.  "Just do as I do."
 
They climb into the sacks.  Just as they do so, the mob arrive.  They see
the sacks and stop.
 
Suspicously, the leader of the mob prods the Englishman's sack with his
pitchfork.
 
"Oink! Oink!" shouts the Englishman.  Satisfied, the mob proceed to the
Scotsman's sack.  Again, they prod it with the pitchfork.
 
"Quack! Quack!" shouts the Scotsman.  Happy that this is also full of
livestock, the mob go onto the Irishman's sack and prod that.
 
The Irishman shouts "Potatoes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So the Pope arrives at New York's Kennedy Airport, fully attired in his
Pope regalia.

He gets into a limo and laments to his driver that the biggest drawback of
being Pope is that he has trouble doing fun things.

Pope:   You know, I haven't driven a car in 15 years.  You think that
maybe I could drive this limo around town a bit?

Driver: I could get fired for doing this.

Pope:   Just 15 minutes.

So the Pope gets behind the wheel and dons the chauffeur's hat.  Five
minutes later a police car pulls him aside for reckless driving.  The cop
immediately begins writing a ticket and then freezes as soon as he
recognizes the driver.

The cop returns to his car to call his captain.

Cop:    I gotta big problem.  I started writing this ticket and then I
discover I'm ticketing a very important, I mean very important, person.

Capt:   So who is this very important person, you gotta call me at 2 a.m.?
 Who is it, Mayor Guiliani?

Cop:    No much more important.

Capt:   So who is it?  Mario Cuomo or Bill Clinton?

Cop:    No much bigger.

Capt:   So who, Frank Sinatra, Pavorati, who??

Cop:    Captain, I dunno who da hell this guy is.  But I tell ya this,
this guy is so BIG, he has the fuckin' Pope drivin' for him!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So the Pope arrives in Sidney and is picked up by limo.

Driver: Hey, mate, want to hear a good Polish joke?

Pope:   Careful, now, I **am** Polish.

Driver: Thanks for the warning.  I'll tell it to you extra slow!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to
make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way.  The inn was nearly full,
but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.  One
couple had to share a double bed in a room.  One of these two nuns turned to
the other who was sharing with her and said "Can I be frank with you?  I'm a
lesbian - I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable."
The other nun said back, "No - but if you're Frank tonight can I be Frank
tomorrow night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two brothers were getting dressed for school.
 The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."
 Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
 Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."
 Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.
They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the
older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"
 He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."
Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would
YOU like for breakfast?"
Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Froot Loops!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's yellow and lives off dead beetles??
A: Yoko Ono
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Whats the difference between snowmen and snow women?
A: Snow balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you make a dog meow?
A: Put it a freezer for three day then put it cross a band-saw, meoooooow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
A: Pour petrol on it then throw a match. Whoof!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nine.  One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.