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In the far reaches of the Canadian wilderness, a new arrival at the lumberjack camp was settling down for the night in the men's dormitory with the rest of the guys after his first day on the job. The lights were turned off and suddenly he hears one guy call out "Twenty three!"... there is a roar of laughter from all the beds around the room, and another guy calls out "Forty seven".. more laughter follows. This goes on for a few more minutes until finally everyone settles down and goes to sleep. The next morning, the newbie asks one of the other lumberjacks what all the laughter and numbers was about. He is told that they have all been there for so long at this camp, that they know all the jokes, and that each one is merely given a number.... so when it comes to joke telling after lights-out, it is just a simple case of saying the number of the joke that is being told. So, that evening, after lights-out, the same thing happens.. "Eighteen!".. and there is general laughter.. "Thirty five".. more of the same. Not wanting to be left out, the newbie decides to join in the joke telling and calls out "One hundred and six!". Not only is there laughter, but the lights are flashing on and off, guys are rolling on the floor laughing, cheering, and clapping... a regular standing ovation! The next morning the newbie talks to one of the guys and says "Well, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the joke session so much last night, but I have to admit I'm puzzled as to why there was so much laughter when I told the one numbered One Hundred and Six... how come?" His buddy replies "Oh, so that was you!.. yeah, we loved it.. you see, we haven't heard that one before!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995: "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943. " I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957. "But what ... is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. " There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ====================== THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX ====================== ----------------------------------------------------------------- ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ----------------------------------------------------------------- REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 Orchestra swelled.............6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 Earth moved..................30 Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT: Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 Losing erection............14 For men......................72 Searching for it..........115 GUILT: PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. Inexperienced..............73 20 If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION: Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay..........14 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 Man getting permission.....55 American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT: By partner's spouse..........60 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion 500 Thanking partner quickly......2 ORGASM: Real.......................27 Faked.....................160 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's a a good procedure for determining whether a piece of software is "user friendly" or not. Ask yourself this question: "If this were a person, how long would it take before I punched it in the mouth?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fireman to homeowner: "At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well... basically... your house burned even faster." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Vatacan has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.