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What is Oregon like? Dark, smokey; visibility often down to 15 feet. This
occurred after we decided to "open up for business" and all environmental
regulations were rescinded. The Willamette and Columbia often catch fire;
boats won't navigate the Columbia without protective hulls, otherwise the
acid eats them. Spotted owl is sometimes served on tables of old-growth in
expensive restauraunts. It is common to go about in scuba gear; there is
now a cottage industry of refilling stations on the streets of Portland with
fresh air shipped in from Utah. Of course, all cancer rates are several
hundred times the national norms. We won't here comment on life expectancies.

The constant rattle of machine-gun fire can be quite annoying when one is
trying to concentrate. On many street corners in Portland, there are
large elevated gazeboes from which you can watch private militias shoot it
out over gasoline, food and drugs. For a small fee, they give panoramic
360-degree views of the fighting through bullet-proof glass. When there is
a rare lull they toss something salable on the street and it starts
again; the action never stops. The experience can be quite romantic; it is
a popular first date and many a marriage proposal has taken place in these.

Since the Bill of Rights has been declared null and void in the State of
Oregon, drug use has gone up. It is always enjoyable to watch the busts
through the above-mentioned gazeboes; by virtue of their new powers, the
police are more brutal on gang members than the gangs are on each other. A
new drug called "the final solution" has recently hit Oregon and it is 
usually fatal by the 10th trip or so. Those using it will set fire to
anything flammable and attempt to kill anything that moves; it is very
popular with the "Dead at 21" crowd in Portland. Occasionally someone on it
will sneak an Uzi into a TrailBlazers home game, thus giving new meaning to
the popular term "Rip City." We should also comment in this paragraph that
all tax funds have been re-allocated to police and prison construction and
maintenance; their are no other social services. Often there are public
gladitorial combats at Memorial Coliseum in Portland to relieve the constant
overcrowding in the penal system. Hungry lions are provided by the
Washington Park Zoo, a "thumbs down" and... umm, you guess it.

Another danger to the unwary is the trapdoors on the sidewalks which go
down to the sausage factories. Most of the natives know how to avoid them
and only consider them a nuisance, but out-of-staters should beware. We
should also here comment that the survivalists have taken over Forest Park
in Portland and it is littered with anti-personnel devices. Anybody who
accidently wanders in the area and is caught, umm... did you ever read
"The Most Dangerous Game?" The stray bodies found cluttering up the streets
in the morning are sold to the knackers.

The major arteries into Portland have large signs just before town reading
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Cars with California plates... well
let's not say what happens to them. Out-of-staters who overstay their visas
or are caught trying to take jobs are put to work in concentrations camps in
the Siskiyous; out-of-state developers are publically executed without trial
and their heads left on stakes by the border as a warning to others.

A sad result of the education funding problems in Oregon is the fact that
daily newspapers in Oregon seldom use words having more than five letters:
the folks in Oregon can't understand things like "The president's economic
advisors have determined that we should pressure the Federal Reserve into
restricting the money supply to combat inflation." The Big O (the Portland
_Oregonian_) would say "The Big Chief's friends want less cash out there so
that it is worth more."

Of course you know about the Oregon Citizens Alliance (OCA), the anti-
gay family-values people. Since their recent armed takeover of the state
capitol in Salem and the institution of military rule, anyone as much as
suspected of homosexual activity is forced to undergo a sort of a "Ludovico
Technique" in which the unfortunate is forced to stay awake for days on end
watching dramatizations of bible stories until s/he recants. Touching
yourself, listening to the Grateful Dead and a host of other things will
get you the the same thing, and capital punishment for the above-mentioned
offenses is common in rural areas. Another result is that any female of
child bearing age is required to take periodic pregnancy tests; if one is
positive and the next negative with no delivery between, she is publically
stoned. Needless to say, watching the demolition crews blow up family
planning clinics was a popular sport for some time in Oregon. Public
book-burnings are another way that the powers that be keep the populace
distracted; the owner of the offending literature is usually torched along
it. Except in the inner city where they are trying to get the minority
population to kill itself off, the water supply is spiked with scopolamine
to keep the people pacific, believing and obeying what their leaders say. Of
course I should add that the Jewish population has long since fled;
Catholics are tolerated but must be registered with the authorities.

All the same, Oregon is a pretty nice place. You should try moving to
Boulder, Colorado if you want excitement. Don't come with California
plates...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away.  As they
reachthe gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out front
waiting for them, shaking his head.  As they approach, St. Peter tells them,
"Ladies, I'm sorry, but there just isn't room for both of you in heaven
right now, so I will only be able to take one of you.  Seeing as you have
both lived good lives and seem equally fit to enter the kingdom, you will
have to tell me something that's special about you."
 
Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands.
"Well,"she says, "I've got THESE..."
 
St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good.  Very good
indeed.  But let's see what Princess Di has to offer."
 
Princess Di just stands there, "I don't think there's anything special
about me.  I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of England..."
 
St. Peter shakes his head, "That's just not going to do it.  Isn't there
anything else?"
 
Di thinks for a minute and answers, "Well....I douche once a week...."
 
St. Peter's eyes light up, "Princess Di...Go right on in..."
 
Dolly Parton looks at St. Peter, pushes her breasts forward and says,
"But what about THESE?"
 
And he says, "It's beyond my control.  Everybody knows that a Royal Flush
beats a Pair any day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of ladies in a bus, (all wearing shiny sweatsuits), while on
their way to Oklahoma to play Indian Bingo met with disaster.  The bus
ran off a cliff somewhere around Branson and they all died.  So they're
all standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to see St. Peter.
 
The Archangel Raphael appears and points to a fountain at the edge of the
gate.  "Ladies," he announces, "Before you go in to see St. Peter, you
must consider your sins.  If you feel that you have sinned, you need to
ask repentance and then go over to the fountain and wash the part of your
body that committed the sin.  Then you will be cleansed and you may enter
to discuss your entry with St. Peter.
 
The ladies all sit in silent prayer for a while.  One by one they get up
and go to the fountain.  One approaches and washes her eyes.  Another
washes her ears.  Another washes her hands.
 
Two ladies that were best friends approach.  As one gets near the
fountain, the other yells, "Hey, wait a minute!  You let me gargle before
you sit in it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having a
really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting.  Bill
Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know, we're such good
friends, why don't we swap for one night and make the sex more
exciting ?"  They all think it's a great idea, and they head off to
their bedrooms.  Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next
room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure.  He starts to get a
little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what Hillary could be getting
that makes her that happy ?"
 
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper must
be really hot tonight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        I saw a standup comic on Evening at the Improv the other night.
He made one of the funniest remarks I have heard in a long time.
        He was a scrawny little nerdy-looking guy. He was talking about
his 21st birthday. His friends got him a sweater. He said, "I would have
preferreda screamer or a moaner, but the sweater was okay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, a Scot and a Jew had just finished dinner at a flash
restaurant when the Scot said "It's my shout, I'll pay the bill". The
next day the newspaper headline was: "Jewish ventriloquist murdered."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Scottsmen fighting over a penny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the gallon."
--Casey Stengel, when asked why he didn't fight with the N.Y. sportswriters