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                       HAZARD TO HEALTH

                   Material Safety Data Sheet

                  "WOMAN" - A Chemical Analysis


     Element:        Woman
     Symbol:         Wo
     Discovered:     Adam
     Atomic Mass:    Accepted as 53.6Kg but may vary
                     from 40Kg to 200Kg
     Occurence:      Copious quantities in all urban areas


     PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

     1. Surface usually covered with a painted film
     2. Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any
        known reason
     3. Melts if given special treatment
     4. Bitter if incorrectly used
     5. Found in various states ranging from virin metal to
        common ore
     6. Yeilds to pressure applied to correct points


     CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

     1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of
        precious stones
     2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
     3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and
        for no apparent reason
     4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases
        by saturation in alcohol
     5. Most powerful money reducing agent know to man


     COMMON USES

     1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
     2. Can be a great aid in relaxation
     3. Very effective cleaning agent


     TESTS

     1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in
        its natural state
     2. Turns green when placed beside a better
        specimen


     POTENTIAL HAZARDS

     1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
     2. Illegal to possess more than one, although
        several can be maintained at different
        locations as long as specimens do not come in
        direct contact with each other
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive 
lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink. The lady says
"thats a disgusting looking frog you got there." The guys says, "Yeah well
lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST damn pussy eater you
ever seen." The lady is outrages and says so then promptly gets up and moves
across the bar. A few hours pass.... The lady has had more then her share,
and starts thinking about the frog...

So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!". They run get a
hotel room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread
open wide. The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then commands,
"go homer!".... the frog lays there.... he commands again... "GO HOMER"
the frog still does nothing.... he picks up the frog and tosses into the
corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times .. now
watch how its done!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were a guy, waiting at the gates of Hell.  Along comes the Devil's
assistant, takes him  through the chambers.  The ended up in a corridor,
with three doors.  The assistamt says "You have a very difficult task
ahead of you......You must choose which room you wish to stay in as
punishment.  They enter the first room........there were people standing
in piss.  The guy says, "This, I aint staying here."  So off they
went into the next room.  They entered the next room.......there were
people standing in shit,  the says, "Fuck this for a slice of bread I
aint staying here."  So off they went to the next room.....they entered
the room.....there were people standing in shit drinking Beer.  The guy
says, "This don't seem half bad, maybe standing in shit but at least I
get some booze."....he turns round to the assistant and says, "This is
the room I wish to spend eternity in." The assistant replies, "Are you
sure ?", the guy says, "Of course i'm sure, do you think I'm stupid?".

So there he stood drinking beer, as fast as one would......10 mins later,
there was a voice shouting, "The breaks over lads back on your heads!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reader of the Funny Bone submits:

I don't remember where this happened, but here's a story you might want 
to include...

   One morning a woman got up and looked out her window to see her 
paperboy in her dog's kennel with his pants around his ankles getting 
ready to have a go at the dog.  The boy was arrested for public nudity.
   The next day, the paper this article was published in received a 
letter to the editor, complaining that the boy's rights were being 
violated.  "This boy's sexual preference must be tolerated as much as a 
homosexuals sexual preference must be tolerated.  And how do you know 
that the dog didn't like it?"
   The dog is now seeking psychiatric treatment.

(That was printed in a newspaper and the story told over the radio last 
week.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe under one arm. He walks over to the
bar, places the giraffe on the floor, and orders a beer. The barman gets the
guy his drink and then says "You can't leave that lying there!". At this
comment the guy replies "It's not a lion it's a giraffe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
A: One is made of plastic and you have to keep it away from small children,
   and the other you carry your shopping home in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop, bang, bang,
   clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do Senators use instead of bookmarks?
A: Bent over pages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How does Tarzan hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red, and hides up a cherry tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: An elephant eating cherries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirin!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man walking through the jungle?
A: How do you EAT with that thing?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
A: He used to lie awake at night, wondering if there was a dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the definition of an epileptic at a salad bar?
A: Seizure salad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do jewish people have such big nose's ??
A: Because air is free !!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"