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   PC Primer

   Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
 
   PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct
   philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of
   cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political
   Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone
   who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or
   closed-minded.
 
   Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
 
   Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life!
   PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
   evils of centuries of oppression.
 
   Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
 
   Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
 
   Q: WHY?
 
   If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for
   practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and
   plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for
   these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for
   the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors
   pushed down.
 
   Q: HOW?
 
   It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think,
   and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
 
   Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
 
   That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the
   world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
 
   Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
 
   Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream
   when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all
   of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper,
   blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been
   tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water;
   when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't
   let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or
   better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use
   aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as
   a citizen of the USA, your living in God's country.
 
   If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the
   part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the
   following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
 
   Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby
   seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And
   don't EVER eat meat.
 
   Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
 
   Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they
   have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
 
   Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
 
   No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the
   Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights,
   and when it doesn't.
 
   Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
 
   The general rule is as follows:
 
   IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR
LOVABLE,
   THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
 
   Examine the following chart:
 
 
      RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS
     --------                     -----------
      cows                         cockroaches
      cute bunnies                 flies
      dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
      whales                       sharks
      red squirrels                gray squirrels
      owls                         loggers
      harbor seals                 barnacles
 
 
 
   Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
 
   Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are
   what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual
   identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to
   National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural
   traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an
   alternate fuel source.
 
   Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
 
   If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU
   ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.
 
   Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
 
   Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something
   insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The
   guideline is as follows:
 
   Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes -> The liberal is
   right. No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
 
   Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of
   Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's
   University Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.
 
   Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles
   you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good
   they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
 
   Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
 
   It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of
   authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever
   is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to
   the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have
   the insensitive offender disciplined.
 
   Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
 
   The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to
   be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call
   it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something
   negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as,
   say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of
   verbal assault.
 
   Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN."
ETC.
 
 
   Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think
   about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them.
   Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color
   of their skin?
 
   Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF
THEIR
   CHARACTER?
 
   No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If
   your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then
   you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special
   scholarships!
 
   Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I
GET
   ONE? No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a
   women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.
 
   Q HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY
BE AN
   AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
 
   Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
   That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending
   that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is
   not an African-American or either.
 
   Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY
CORRECT?
 
   For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
 
   Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
 
   Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to
   volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize
   non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure
   tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.
 
   Q: I DON'T GET IT.
 
   Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented
   minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards
   of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment.
   This is unfair and wrong.
 
   Q: IT IS?
 
   Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale
   for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final
   score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you
   have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you
   lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
 
   Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
 
   It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
 
   Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
 
   Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept
   any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
   racial slur.
 
   Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
 
   "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for
   decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way.
 
   In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot
   calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even
   mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly
   limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay
   for social equality.
 
   Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
 
   Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
   people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating
   people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the
   bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist
   insensitive pig.
 
 
     _________________________________________________________________
 
                                  PC LEXICON
 
 
     _________________________________________________________________
 
 
 
 
"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"
 
 
___________________________________________________________________
_______
 
 
 
 
 
  -> ETHNICITY (PC PEOPLE DO NOT RECOGNIZE THE TERM, "RACE," AS
VALID)
 
  BLACK - AFRICAN-AMERICAN (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS,
EGYPTIONS, WHITE
  S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE
  FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
 
  ORIENTAL - ASIAN-AMERICAN (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL"
MINORITIES SINCE THEY
  TEND TO DO WELL)
 
  INDIAN - NATIVE-AMERCAN (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
ATLANTA
  BRAVES CLEVELAND INDIANS KANSAS CITY CHIEFS WASHINGTON
REDSKINS AVOID THESE
  CITIES!!!)
 
  CHICANO - HISPANIC (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: CHEECH AND
CHONG CHICO
  AND THE MAN EPISODES CISCO KID ROSARITA SALSA SPEEDY GONZALES
AVOID! AVOID!)
 
  WHITE TRASH - PC UNAWARE RUSTICALLY INCLINED WASP (WHITE MALE) -
INSENSITIVE
  CULTURAL OPPRESSOR (ICO)
 
  -> GENDER (PC PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE WORD "SEX" AS IT HAS
CONFUSING
  CONNOTATIONS)
 
  WOMAN - WOMYN, VAGINAL-CANADIAN
 
  GIRL - PRE-WOMYN
 
  HOUSEWIFE - DOMESTIC ENGINEER
 
  FIREMAN - FIREFIGHTER
 
  STEWARDESS - FLIGHT ATTENDANT
 
  METER MAID - PARKING ENFORCEMENT ADUCIATOR
 
  POST MAN - POST PERSON
 
  MAIL MAN - PERSON PERSON
 
  POLICEMAN - LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER, BATON BOY, CAL. CLUBBER
 
  PROSTITUTE - SEX SURROGATE (TEEN VICTIM. SEE: BROKEN HOME)
 
  MANKIND, HUMAN - EARTH CHILDREN
 
  -> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS
 
  HANDICAPPED - PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED, DIFFERENTLY ABLED,
HANDI-CAPABLE
 
  BLIND - OPTICALLY DARKER, PHOTONICALLY NON-RECEPTIVE
 
  DEAF - VISUALLY ORIENTED
 
  POOR - ECONOMICALLY UNPREPARED
 
  BUM - HOMELESS PERSON, DISPLACED HOMEOWNER, PHILOSOPHY
MAJOR
 
  HUNTER - ANIMAL ASSASSIN, MEAT MERCENARY, BAMBI BUTCHER
 
  WHALER - BLUBBER LOVERS
 
  OLD PERSON / ELDERLY - 4TH-DIMENTIONALLY EXTENDED,
GERONTOLOGICALLY ADVANCED
 
  CONSERVATIVE - RIGHT WING EXTREMIST, FASCIST PIG
 
  DRUG ADDICT - CHEMICALLY CHALLENGED
 
  BALD - COMB-FREE
 
  BISEXUAL - SEXUALLY NON-PREFERENTIAL
 
  MIDGET, DWARF - LITTLE PEOPLE, VERTICALLY CHALLENGED
 
  CONVICT - SOCIALLY SEPARATED
 
  INSANE PEOPLE - SELECTIVELY PERCEPTIVE, MENTAL EXPLORERS
 
(PERSON WITH) LEARNING DISABILITY - SELF-PACED COGNITIVE ABILITY
 
  TREE-HUGGER - ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST
 
  LOGGER - WOOD WEASEL, PAPER PIRATE, TREESLAYER
 
  DEAD PEOPLE - DYSFUNCTIONAL EARTH CHILDREN, BIOLOGICALLY
CHALLENGED
  METAPHYSICALLY CHALLENGED
 
-> MISCELLANEOUS
 
  BROKEN HOME - DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
 
  HOUSEBROKEN - FAMILY DISFUNCTION
 
  CATTLE RANCH - CATTLE CONCENTRATION CAMP (CCC), "MOO-SHWITZ"
 
  SENILE BAG O' BONES - ALZHEIMER'S VICTIM
 
  GHETTO/BARRIO - (EHA) ETHNICALLY HOMOGENOUS AREA,
PRE-INTEGRATED, PRE-NIRVANA
 
  HAMBURGER - SEARED MUTILATED ANIMAL FLESH (SMAF)
 
  CHEESEBURGER - ADDING INSULT TO INJURY
 
  CHEATING (IN SCHOOL) - ACADEMIC DISHONESTY
 
  USED BOOKS - RECYCLED BOOKS
 
  TREES - OXYGEN EXCHANGE UNITS
 
  GANG - YOUTH GROUP
 
  PIMP-MOBILE, LOW-RIDER - CULTURALLY RESPONSIVE TRANSPORTATION
OPTION
 
  DRUNK/TRASHED - SPATIALLY PERPLEXED
 
  SLUM - (EOZ) ECONOMIC OPPRESSION ZONE
 
  DELICATESSEN - CORPSE FARM, CHARNEL HOUSE
 
  OBESE - PEOPLE OF MASS, GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED