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Have you ever heard of the term "Coyote ugly"??
 
It was coined when a friend of mine met a man in a bar a few years back.
My friend and the man struck up a conversation, and somehow the conversation
turned to a discussion of the man's missing left arm.  My friend asked the
man how he lost his arm.  This is the man's story...
 
"I was celebrating my divorce a while back by hitting all of the bars in
town.  I was quite drunk and picked up a young lady in the last bar I
made it to.  She invited me to her apartment and I spent the night with her.
 
The next morning, I was wakened by my left arm which had fallen asleep.  I
was quite hung over, and when I looked to see why my left arm  was alseep,
I found that the lady I had picked up the night before was sleeping on my
arm!  BUT, she was so incredibly UGLY, that rather than wake her up, I
chewed my arm off!!"
 
Hence the term "Coyote ugly" has come to mean a man or a woman of extreme
bad looks!
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Coyote Ugly is nothing!  DOUBLE Coyote Ugly, now THAT'S ugly!
 
That's when you wake up the next morning and she's lying on your arm so you
chew off your arm at the shoulder to get away.  On your way out the door you
take another look and then chew off your other arm so that you don't be
tempted to do it again!

or...

When you chew off the other one, cause she'll be looking for a one armed man.
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  Two bums are trying to figure out how they're going to get their next
drink. The first one says to the other one,"I've got an idea! We get this
hotdog, see, and go into a bar. We drink all we can, and when it's time
to settle up you fall to your knees and start sucking the hotdog between
my legs! The bartender will kick us out faster'n you can say piss."
  The second bum agreed to this idea and they obtained the hotdog and went
into a bar. After downing nemerous bourbons, the bartender gives them the
tab. The bums jump into the aforementioned song-and-dance routine, to
which the bartender yells "fuckin' faggots!" and kicks them out.
  The bums peruse all the local bars in this manner successfully. Finally,
after about two hours, the one bum stops the other and says, "man, we got
to slow up a while. My knees are killing me." The other one looks back at
him, "Your knees? Shit, we lost that hotdog three bars ago!"
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A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The bartender says
"Sorry, we don't serve food."
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        One day these three guys went to a farm because there car broke
down.  They went up to the house and ask the farmer if they could spend
the night.  The farm said " Well you can spend the night but I don't want
to catch any on of ya messing with my little girs.  Or you willpay the
price."
        Well they all said that they would not do any thing to piss of
the red-neck. But later that night, the farmers little girls were on the
prowel.  Well of course the farm caught the three in the act and took
them all sown stairs.  The farmer looked at them and said.  " Okay boy's
this is what we are going to do.  I want each one of you to go out to the
fields and pick any fruit or vegy you want."
        Well they all went out, the first one back was the Mexican, he
brought back three beans.  The farmer told him to shove them up his ass.
As the Mexican was doing this he was laughing his head off.  The the
white guy came back with some peas, the farmer told him do the same.  The
White guy was just busting a gut as he was doing it too.  Fianlly the
framer asked. " What the hell is so funny"?  The White guy got him self
together and said " Well the black guy is still out there looking for the
biggest watermelons he can find"!!
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A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside
and asks what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished
making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a
$50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been
saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said,
"I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,
Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make
some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.
        Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, but
Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."
        "I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes
in to work tommorrow" Mr. Smith replied.
        The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.
Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."
        "Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.
        "Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know
what to do?"
        Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
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Pickup Line...
Go up to a girl in a nightclub, pull your pockets completely out (make
sure they're empty first) so that the material is hanging limply out
by the side of your legs, open your flies and say: "Do you want to see my
elephant?"
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One find day in the middle of the night
  two dead men got up to fight.
They stood back to back and faced each other.
  Drew there swords and shoot each other.
If you don't belive this story's true,
  just ask the blind man who saw it too!
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Q: Whats grey and has a trunk?
A: A mouse going on holiday.
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Q: How do you know if a Polock isn't wearing any underwear?
A: By the dandruff on their shoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What does a Deadhead say after he runs out of reefer?
A: "Man, this band SUCKS.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How does Helen Keller drive a car?
A: One hand on the wheel, the other on the curb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did Helen Keller say when she slipped and fell on the ice?
A: Nothing.  She was wearing mittens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the definition of "Endless Love?"
A: Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black
   motorist?
A: None.  He fell down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anagram: `Spiro Agnew' rearranges to `Grow A Penis'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you need a silencer to kill a mime?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by
with what you have left.