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        The Manager
        Y.M.C.A. Hotel
        LONDON
 
                                                Roma 28 sept. 1981
 
        Dear signore Direttore, Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated
        at jour hotella.
 
        I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga
        christian man at your hotella.
 
        When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed -
        how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down
        receptione and tella: "I wanta shit"
        They tella me: "Go to toilet"
        I say:"No, no I wanta shit in my bed".
        They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch".
        What is sonna-wa-bitch?
 
        I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and
        two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast.
        I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I wanta piss".
        She tella me: "Go to toilet".
        I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate".
        She then say to me: "You bloody wella not piss on the plate,
        you sonna-wa-bitch".
 
        This is the second person who do not even know me calla me
        "sonna.wa.bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet",
        is that a modern tella? I do no undestand, please tella me!
 
        Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid
        out, but no fock.
        I tella waitress: "I wanta fock".
        And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock".
        I tella her: "No, no you don't understanda me, I wanta fock on the
        table".
        She tella me: "Soyou sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table?
        Get your ass out of here!"
        How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner?
 
        So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this
        hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
        "Thank you, and piss on You".
        I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to Italy".
        Directore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you
        sonna-wa-bitch.
 
         Sincerely
         Dicci Elgré
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a
stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. 
Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even
fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low
and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently
had given  birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was
desparate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the
woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born
baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate. 
   The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of
anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's
breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
   One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse
her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice,
she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
   The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah,"
he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny lives on a farm.  He's outside walking toward the barn his
mom's watching him through the kitchen window.  As he makes his way to the
barn a chicken is in his way, so he gives it a good swift kick right in the
butt to get it out of his path... His mother sees this and goes out and
hollars at him for doing it and to not do it again...  He gives her a scowl
and  continues on his way to the barn.  As he's walking through there's a cow
in his way, so he gives it a good swift kick to make it move... His mom was
standing outside the barn saw this and she began hollaring at him again.  She
tells, "Johnny, you get in the house right this minute!  When it's time to
eat dinner you are not allowed to have chicken or beef.  You here me?
Because you were bad and kicked the chicken and kicked the cow you get no
chicken and no beef."  He just looks at her.  Dad comes home a few minutes
later.  As he comes through the door, the cat gets in his way, so he gives it
a swift kick.  Little Johnny looks up at his mom and says, "Are you going to
break the bad news to him or should I?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.
'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right
thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up
on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits
up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove
it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off
the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do
you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.
'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the
middle is definately Willie Nelson!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many American's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two - one to change the lightbulb, and one to sue the original lightbulb
   manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the lightbulb,
   compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedence requiring
   lightbulb manufacturers to state *clearly* that lightbulbs may require
   replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost
   wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside,
   begins with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the letters
  'u' & 'n' in the middle?
A: A coconut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Whats the definition of a waste?
A: A bus load of politicians falling of a cliff with one spare seat.
                 ^^^^^^^^^^^ <-- also works with lawyers!