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Terrible Truths (and other principles of disaster)
 
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
 
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
 
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything
    that can go wrong will go wrong.
 
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several  things
    going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the
    one to go wrong.
 
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot  go  wrong,  it  will
    anyway.
 
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four  possible
    ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then
    a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
 
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go  from
    bad to worse.
 
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be  going  well,  you
    have obviously overlooked something.
 
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
 
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
 
Murphy's  Eleventh  Law:  It  is  impossible  to  make   anything
    foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
 
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person  uses
    more soap than a thin person.
 
Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to
    5 against.
 
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost,  but  several
    miles from the next freeway exit.
 
Van Roy's  Law:  Honesty  is  the  best  policy  -  there's  less
    competition.
 
Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond
    your control.
 
Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into  than
    out of.
 
Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your  sense  of  morals  interfere
    with doing the right thing.
 
Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the  point  where  you  can
    make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
 
Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of  time  known
    to  man  is  that  which  occurs in Manhattan between the traffic
    signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you  blowing  his
    horn.
 
Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato  should  be
    conducted in private.
 
The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the  number  nearly
    right.
 
Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful  of  hot  soup,  the
    next  thing  you  do  will  be  wrong.  (2) How long a minute is,
    depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
 
Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.
 
Griffin's Thought: When  you  starve  with  a  tiger,  the  tiger
    starves last.
 
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic  method  of  coming  to  the
    wrong conclusion with confidence.
 
Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
 
Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you
    stop breathing.
 
Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking  is  one
    of the leading causes of statistics.
 
The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down  Law:  An
    object will fall so as to do the most damage.
 
Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the  inner
    liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.
 
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so  difficult  that
    it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand.  He sets the bag
on top of the bar and pulls up his stool.  The bartender comes over and asks
what he'll have to swill.  As he states his preference, something in the bag
is moving around shaking the paper bag.  The bartender gives a puzzled look
but proceeds to the tap.  As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again
and sees that something is still moving around in the bag.  He brings the
beer over and places it in front of the man.  His curiosity gets the best of
him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag.  The man reaches into the
bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender
looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling
out a small piano bench.  He places the bench in front of the piano and again
reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man.  The man sits at the piano
and begins playing.  The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano,
where'd you get him?"  The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag
and pulls out a genie lamp.  He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go
ahead, rub it.."  So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
 and the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."  So the bartender says okay
and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.  She says,
"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."  So the bartender ponders
this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."  The genie
disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens.  They
both look at each other and shrug their shoulders.  Then a minute later a
duck pops up at the end of the bar.  They both look at each other, very
puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it
continues.  The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is
deaf.  I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."  And the man
says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get
dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one,
Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel 
and Gretel."
     Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off 
they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house 
on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.
     "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
     The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"
     "Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.
     The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and 
Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.
     Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought
furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go as
Little Boy Blue."
     So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the
door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.
     "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.
     Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be."
     "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said.
     The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little
Boy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.
     Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. 
But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped
Francine out of hers.
     When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy
and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black 
children standing on his porch.
     "Well, what do we have here," he asked.
     "Two M&Ms;," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
         (__)
         (oo)                       U
  /-------\/                    /---V
 / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
*  ||----||
   ~~    ~~
 
Cow at 1 meter.         Cow at 100 meters.        Cow at 10,000 meters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your momma is so old, I told her to act her age and she died!