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MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
 
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
 
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students.
 
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
  1. Go to Africa.
  2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
  3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
     alternately east and west.
  4. During each traverse pass,
     a. Catch each animal seen.
     b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
     c. Stop when a match is detected.
 
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
 
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands 
and knees.
 
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals 
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.
 
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves.
 
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
 
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all,
but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
 
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size
and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone
else will only identify the elephants.
 
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted for them.
 
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings.
 
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look 
and feel of one dropping.
 
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice 
president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees
them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
      (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
      (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
 
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption 
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
 
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
 
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they
haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
 
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice
for an elephant.
 
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as 
desktop elephants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's this couple who are financially strapped.  They've been trying to
figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don't lose their
home.  The wife didn't have any ideas as to what to do.  But the husband
says, "Hey, we could sell you."  He said, "I really hate to do this to you,
but we really have no other alternative."  She agrees to his idea.  They go
downtown, and he tells her to stand there on the corner and wait.  He will
watch from across the street to make sure everything is okay.  A few minutes
after she was standing there a car pulls up and he asks, "How much?"  She
says, "Can you wait a minute? I'll be right back."  So she runs across the
street, and says to her husband, "He wants to know how much, what should I
tell him?"  The husband says, "Tell him a hundred bucks."  So she runs back
across the street, and tells him, "One hundred bucks."  The man says, "One
hundred dollars?  That's too much.  I don't have a hundred bucks.  How much
for a blow job?"  She says, "Can you wait a minute?  I'll be right back."  So
she runs across the street again, and says to her husband, "He says a hundred
bucks is too much and wants to know how much for a blow job.  What should I
tell him?"  The husband says, "Tell him thirty dollars."  So she runs back
across the street and says to the guy, "Thirty dollars for a blow job."  He
says, "Great!  I have thirty dollars."  So she gets into the car and he
undoes his zipper and exposes himself to her revealing a 12" penis.  She
looks and says, "Can you please just wait one more minute?  I'll be right
back."  She gets out of the car and runs across the street and says to her
husband, "Can we loan this guy $70?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 One day Patdick and Fuckit, Two brothers, rented a camel for a long trip
through the desert. They thought it would be a good idea to force the camel
to drink some water before they departed for their journey. They led the
camel to a nearby waterhole and Fuckit told Patdick
  "You pump it's tail while I hold it's head in the water"
 So after a while Fuckit yelled
   "I dont think it's working, you suck it's arse while I hold it's head"
 So Patdick sucked the camels arse and after a few minutes the camel did a
big shit in Patdicks mouth. He hastily spat the terd out and yelled.
    "pull his head up Fuckit, He's sucking up mud."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts
"Gimme a jigger Nigger".  The black man tells him how that wasn`t a nice
thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment.  The Chinese man
explains he wouldn`t give a shit, so the black man says okay, *you* get
behind the bar, and we`ll try it again.  So the Chinese man gets behind
the bar and the black guy goes outside.  After a few seconds the black
man comes in and says, "Gimme a drink Chink".  The Chinese man stares
at him and says "Fuck off, we don`t serve niggers".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read something in the paper that said that every year there are thousands
of battered women in the U.S.  And all this time I've been eating them raw.
I also read that there's a shelter for women called the Tempura Society.
It's for lightly battered women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy and his mother were waiting in line at the supermarket and
in front of them was a huge, fat woman.  Suddenly the fat lady's pager
went off.  "Mom, look out! she's backing up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sacred cow exists only to be milked for laughs.