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The Blood of the Bumble Bee Blackboard Beater!

By: The Bumble Bee Brotherhood
========================================

Once upon a time......
.... the was a delicate young dark-haired girl called Sultry
Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey Suzy who had a chainsaw.  It
was an imaginary chainsaw, as the year was 1253BC.  Even the fuckin
WORD didn't exist!!!!  But for the purpose of the story, it DID
exist.  This seems like a paradox, but then LIFE can often be a
paradox.  For example, has your mother ever said to shut your mouth
and eat your food?  A BIT FUCKIN DIFFICULT!!!!  Or how about the one
sayin that she was "all ears".  Who the FUCK was SHE?  Bit of an
elephantman problem?  A bit of cosmetic surgery gone wrong?  WELL??
Anyone got an answer to that????  Or maybe, for the benefit of those
annoying as FUCK feministy arseholes, an ELEPHANTWOMAN as the gender
discussed is female.  No doubt they would STILL give you fuckin grief
saying it should be an elephantPERSON, just trying to get ACCEPTED!!
Now, stop bleedin distracting me... Where was I?
The chainsaw..... ah yes .... well the dear little chainsaw never did
work, but try starting a story without either a chainsaw or a gun and
see what amount of people would bother even farting in your general
direction!!! Ah HA! Yeah! Go on then!!!  Just you try it!!!!
One day as Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey Suzy was
sitting in the classroom, ready to do her sums, a little bee came
gently buzzing by, caught in the warm breeze from the fresh summers
day covering the grassy cowshit filled fields.  WHACK!!!  Dear little
Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey Suzy tried waving at it
and nearly accidently shoved its arse through its brain.
"Oh my", cried the sweet Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey
Suzy, " that was a CLOSE one, you little annoying BASTARD!!!!"
The bee then tried to do it's little busy buzzy noncholant thing
where it procedes to stick its FUCKIN FACE in everyones ear
pretending to be uninterested whilst causing a flurry of arms from
everyone that he (or SHE, for the INTERFERING ARSEHOLES) approached.
Dear Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey Suzy though that
this was most unfair, and proceded to batter the fuck out of anything
the dear little bee came near with the intention of getting it to go
away.  One such detail resulted in Little Balls Bob getting an
unfortunate nose bleed.  With that, Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy
Sexy Saucey Suzy stopped in mid-swing, paused a second, and then
slowly unzipped his fly, reached in, AND SQUEEZED THE SHIT (not that
there was any shit, but as a matphor, it is the most suitable
depicting ALOT OF SQUEEZING!!!!) out of poor Little Balls Bob's
genitals and whispered gently in his ear, "Now you have a REASON to
cry!".
With that, Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey Suzy
continued until the gentle bee finally rested on the blackboard.
With its wings moving rythmically, it seemed intent on discovering
the ramifications of a white dot on the board.
With agonising patience, Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy Saucey
Suzy put down the papers she had being holding and picked up the
nearest hatchet.  Gathering ALL her strength, she swung the axe in a
long graceful arc, landing NEATLY between the cheeks of the bees
arse, splitting the majestic insect in two difinitive portions.  But,
that was not ALL!!  Little did Sultry Sumptious Slippery Steamy Sexy
Saucey Suzy know, but the blackboard was a fake!  It was made of
paper, resulting in the axe completeing its arc to finally lay
resting between the two eyes of the young girls happy face.  (don't
ask how, the story is better this way)  thus covering the blackboard
in a pulsating flow of blood and brains.  On hearing the noise, Mr.
Teacher came rusing back into the room and stood, horrified at the
site of the bee in two pieces.  He demanded, in a most teacher like
voice, what had happened.  With that the class sang out joyously:

Its the Blood of the Bumble Bee Blackboard Beater!!!

And they all lived happily ever after..........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary.  Two weeks
ago he said, was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning
anyway.  I went in to breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and
say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.  And she didn't
even say "Good Morning", let alone say "Happy Birthday".
  I said well that's wives for you.  The children will remember.  The
children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.  And when I started to
the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
  As I walked into my office, Janet said "Good Morning, boss, Happy
Birthday"and I felt a bit better that someone had remembered.  I worked
to noon.
  About noon Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a
beautiful day and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and I."
I said, by George, that's the greatest thing I have heard all day, let's
go.  We went to lunch.  We didn't go where we normally go, we went out
intothe country to a little private place.  We had two martinis and
enjoyedlunch tremendously.  On the way back to the office, she said "You
know,it's such a beautiful day and we don't need to go back to the
office, do we?"  I said no, I expect not.  She said "Let's go by my flat and 
I will fix you another martini".
  So we went to her flat, we enjoyed another martini and smoked a
cigarette,and she said "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the
bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" and I allowed her as I 
didn't mind atall.  She went into her bedroom and in about six minutes she 
came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and
children.All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there I sat, with nothing
on except my socks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along.  In
one compartment of the train there are four people.  A beautiful
vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a
Czech dissident.
  Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
  It is completely dark.
  Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
  When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the
side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
  The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the
Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps
him one!"
  The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier,
he'drather kiss that old hag than me."
  The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal
the kiss and I get slapped."
  And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart!  We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This couple are out having a romantice meal for the first time together.
Suddenly something from the man's side whips from under the table, steals a
bread roll and dissappears back under the table. The guy doesn't blink an
eyelid and the woman can't tell whether it really happened. She says nothing.
Well, damn, the same thing happens again. The woman checks the guy out and
sure he makes out like nothing happened so she holds it in. A little time
passes. The, hell, it happens a THIRD time and the woman can no longer hold
it in and she speaks up demanding to know what's going on. The man explains.
"Look, I was in an accident in India.. I lost my (ouch!) ..penis.. the
surgeons transplanted a baby elephant's trunk in it's place and, well, I've
grown to accept it and hell, It's embarrassing but that's it", "No, no.."
the woman says "that's absolutely incredible. And you mean the trunk keeps
stealing the bread rolls like an elephant. WOW. Look that's so amazing
would you mind doing it again?" The guy replies "Look, I'd really love to
but my ass couldn't handle another bread roll".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a
face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to
several pastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.
  The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many
years because of a new technique he used.
  After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind
each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young
look.
  The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she
noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's
office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.
  The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if
you don't stop turnning those screws you're going to have a beard!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A termite walks into a bar and says "Where is the bar tender?"