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  The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
  After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
  seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
  the church, and in particular, nuns.
         "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
         "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
         "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
          about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
         "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
         "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about
          three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
         "I'm sure."
         "Okay."
  Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
  So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
         "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
         Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
         And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!
         Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
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There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
   A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."  The next day his poor grandmother was hit
by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
   A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless
Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
   His father panicked.  He had himself driven, very carefully and
slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he
hired.  He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,
"Goodbye Daddy."  He finally came home early, but very carefully.  He was
met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened
today, dear?  The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the
back porch."
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  A guy who has been married for 20 years,suddenly finds himself having to
go to the market to shop as his wife is ill. Well this is the first time
he's been there in all that time and is unprepared for the prices being
charged for many items.  He is quite fond of nuts but can't find any, so
he seeks out the manager. He sees a man with a HUGE nose helping out a
lady shopper ( who is laughing uncontrollably ) and asks him "Do you
have any peanuts?"
  The manager replies"yes sir they're $5.99 a pound"
  "Oh,"says the man, "How about cashews?"
  "Yes ,they're $7.99 a pound"
  "I see. How about walnuts?"
  "Oh sure, They're $8.99 a pound"
  "Well they're all too expensive for me, but thanks anyway" says the man.
  The manager replies "No problem and I'd like to thank you for not
laughing at me.  You may have noticed that I have a  rather large nose
and people seem to make fun of that all the time."
  "Oh" the shopper says , "That's your nose? I thought it was your dick,
your nuts are so high!"
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        Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various
things.One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This
morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember 
whether I had justcome up or was about to go down."
        The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was
going to bed or had just woken up!"
        The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as
it'salways been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on
her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
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  A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a
massive crush on Brigette Bardot.  To win back his attentions, she goes
to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her yabbos (hooters).
  The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this
unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.
  When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by
turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
  "What do you think?" the wife says.
  "Uh, who the fuck is Bob?" the husband replies.
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  Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden.  The ball rolls under
a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to get it out.
Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn (!) stuck in her
finger.
  Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mummy mummy, I've got a thorn in my
finger - get some apple juice!"
  Mum says:  "But why do you want apple juice - wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"
ANd the little girl says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big
sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."
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A chinese couple was in bed going at it with quite an effort when the
husband says to his wife, "I want sixty-nine right now!!!"
His wife stopped moving, looked up at him with a disgusted look and
said, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?"
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Q: What can a duck do that a goose can't and a Lawer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
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Q: How many Liberated Women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to turn the bulb and four to form a support group.
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Q: What do you call a Korean walking a dog?
A: A vegetarian.
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Q: What do you call a Korean walking four dogs?
A: A caterer.
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Q: What happened when the Irishman couldn't find his glasses?
A: He drank straight from the bottle.
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Q: How Many Teamsters does it Take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 15 YOU GOTTA FUCKIN PROBLEM WITH THAT?