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An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman had been captured in enemy
territory and, having been charged with spying, were sentenced to death
by firing squad in the morning.

Englishman says; "I say chaps. if we're going to get out of this we
need a plan.  Let's divert the firing squad's attention just before
they shoot and in the confusion and make our escape over the wall". The
scotsman agrees; "Och aye the noo" and the irishman says "32".

The day of execution arrives and, one by one, the y are summoned for
the firing squad.  The englishman is first, thet take aim and he shouts
"Look, elephants !", and in the confusion that follows he jumps over
the wall and disappears.

The scotsman is next. Just before the order to shoot the scot shouts
"Hurricane !", and in the confusion that follows he jumps over
the wall and disappears.

The irishman turn arrives and standing before the firing squad the
order is given - "Aim.." and at this moment the irishman shouts

                                "F I R E !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SANTA ANITA HANDICAP
------------------------

Time:  Midnight
Distance:  All the Way
Purse:  $2.00
Eligible:  16 Years or Older
Track:  Drippy
Weather:  Hot

Clean Sheets:  100-1
Two Thighs:  50-1
Bare Belly:  5-1
Passionate Lady:  2-1
Conscience:  1000-1
Cherry:  300-1
Heavy Bosom:  6-1
Silk Panties:  20-1
Big Dick:  2-1
Jockey Shorts:  100-1

Favorite:  Douche Bag:  1-1


They're off.  Conscience is left at the post.  Silk Panties and Jockey
Shorts are off with a rush.  Bare Belly is starting to show.  Heavy Bosom
is being pressed.  Cherry is caught getween Two Thighs with Big Dick and
Clean Sheets in the back.  Douche Bag is not in the running.  At the half,
 it's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady, Two Thighs working
hard.  Bare Belly is under terrific pressure.  Coming into the stretch,
Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes for the kill.  Passionate
Lady is doing her best.  Bare Belly is close up.  Big Dick passes Two
Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome by the
ordeal.  At the finish, Big Dick rushes in but Passionate Lady takes all
he has and it's a dead heat.  Heavy Bosom's full and Bare Belly is
lathered at the finish. Two Thighs pulls up hard and Clean Sheets never
has a chance, while Conscience wasn't in the running from the start.  Big
Dick makes an unexpected big spurt, but Passionate Lady keeps on coming
too.  Douche Bag comes in last to clean up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cowboy riding down the trail encounters Indian laying on trail with hard
on. Says "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum time."
Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same.
Says "you telling time?"  "yup" "how can you tell time like that?"  Indian
says "workum like sundial, readum shadow".
Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating.
Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope.
But me windum clock!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Two lunatics are out for a therapeutic cycle ride one day, when suddenly
one stops and lets down his tyres.
  "What did you do that for", asks the other.
  "Oh, I can't reach the peddles, so I thought it would help", comes the
reply.
  At this the second lunatic gets off his bike, takes off the handle bars
and saddle, and swaps them around.
  "What did you do that for", asks the first.
  "Well, If your gonna be bloody stupid, I'm going home..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These two convicts were about to be executed.  The Warden says to the first
one "Do you have a last request?"  The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear 
Achy Breaky Heart one last time."  The Warden says "OK, I think we can 
arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How about you?  Last 
request?"  The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in
  a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk
            and did the clue mating dance. - Edward Flaherty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: BOOBEES!