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  Once upon a time there was this sperm named Stanely who lived inside a 
famous movie actor.  Stanley was a very healthy sperm.  He would do 
pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the 
other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
  One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he 
exercised all day.  Stanley said, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman 
pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be the one."
  A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter and 
they all knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were 
released abruptly and sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead 
of all the others.
  All of a sudden Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back 
with all his might.  "Go back!  Go back!"  He screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
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  I was talking to to this Aggie friend of mine who had been out skydiving 
for the first time that weekend, and he told me he was the last in line 
to jump out of the airplane, but when his turn came he froze at the door 
and couldn't jump.  The instructor was standing behind him and yelled at 
my friend to jump, but when my friend said he couldn't jump, the instructor 
said; "Either you jump or I'll fuck you in the butt right now!"
  I asked; "Did you jump?",  and my friend said; "Well, a little, right at 
first!". 
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A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire...

Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk:  Haven't you heard? We've gone metric.  We sell things by the meter,
        not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it a moment) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk:  Right.  Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
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A true story... A man goes to rob a bank.  He brings two things: a hand
grenade and his dog.   He pulls the pin, lobs the grenade at the doors of
the bank and ducks behind cover.  Rover retrieves the grenade, drops it at
his master's feet, and bolts away for the next toss.  BOOM!  End of robbery.
The dog got a citation from the city.
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  Two guys sitting on their front lawn having a beer noticed a dog
across the street licking it's balls.
  One guy said to the other, "Gee, I sure wish I could do that."
  The second one said, "You probably could, but you probably should
scratch him on the neck for a while first."
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These two cannibals are sitting around the campfire conversing and eating
dinner.  One cannibal says to the other, "I really hate my mother-in-law!".
The other cannibal the says. "Well, then just eat the noodles".
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Q: What do you call a Montana man dressed up in knee high boots, pink silk
   jacket, and tiger stripped pants leading two sheep on a leash?
A: A pimp.
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Q: How many Intel engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3 - one to hold the bulb and one to turn the ladder.
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Q: How do you recognize a woman who likes Moosehead?
A: By the antler marks on her thighs.
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Q: How can you spot a tough Lesbian Bar?
A: Even the pool tables don't have balls.
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Q: How do you separate the Greek men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
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"Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.  Chickens in motion tend to
cross the road."   -a young Isaac Newton
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For best results machine wash cold, tumble dry low. do not bleach, etc, etc.
for not-so-best results drag behind car through puddles and dry on roof rack.
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One time I played poker with a deck of Tarot cards.  I drew an inside 
straight and four people died.
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I hope I die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming
in horror like his passengers.
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Since blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?