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 How to Win Arguments
 
 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
 argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
 steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great
 respect, they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.
 Simply follow these rules:
 
         * Drink Liquor.
 
 Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
 on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
 drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
 back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
 your date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover
 you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH
 of information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
 and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some
 may leave the room.
 
         * Make things up.
 
 Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
 Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
 YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch
 of Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
 underpaid."  Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
 adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
 $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
 
         NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
 
 If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT
 up, too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study
 for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?"
 Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left
 your soiled underwear in my bath house."
 
         * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
 
         Memorize this list:
 
                 Let me put it this way
                 In terms of
                 Vis-a-vis
                 Per se
                 As it were
                 Qua
                 So to speak
 
 You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
 "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
 not."
 
 Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say:
 
 "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
 have enough money."
 
 You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
 say: "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
 Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often,
 so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.
 Q.E.D."
 
 Only a fool would challenge that statement.
 
         * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
 
 You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back
 at your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:
 
         You're begging the question.
         You're being defensive.
         Don't compare apples and oranges.
         What are your parameters?
 
 This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
 mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
 
 Here's how to use your comebacks:
 
         You say                 As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
         Your opponents says     Lincoln died in 1865.
         You say                 You're begging the question.
 
                              OR
 
         You say                 Liberians, like most Asians...
         Your opponents says     Liberia is in Africa.
         You say                 You're being defensive.
 
         * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
 
 This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
 right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
 "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
 "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
 
 So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to
 pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
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