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A college student got hopelessly lost in the backwoods trying to take
a short-cut home for the holidays.  He finally came upon a lone farm
house and saw an old man sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair.
He went up to the old man to get directions.

student: "Excuse me sir, but, could you tell me how to get to
          Smithville ?""
old man: "Sorry, young fellow, but, I never heered of it."
student: "Well, could you tell me how to get back to the Interstate?"
old man: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?"
student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super highway."
old man: "A super road you say.  Didn't know there was one."
student: "You sure don't know much about whats going on, do you?"
old man: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again -- I ain't lost."
student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been told
         that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't
         had much schooling."
old man: "Could be.  Though I did attend school back in ought 7 and 8."
student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you would
         mind having a contest with me to see which of us is the smarter?"
old man: "Wouldn't mine atall - what you got in mind?"
student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions until
         one of us can't answer."
old man: "And what did you say the stakes were?"
student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money - let's
         say one dollar a question."
old man: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all - that
         you put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents."
student: "Thats fine with me. You start."
old man: "Okey.  What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?"
student: (after a long pause) "I don't know.  Here's your dollar.  But,
         what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?""
old man: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents."
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     A newlywed couple checks into a hotel on their wedding night.  The  
desk clerk gave them a room on the second floor.  After dinner they  
returned to their room where the wife made a confession.
     "Honey, I'm a virgin.  No man has ever seen me naked before and I  
don't know if I can handle it."
     The husband responded, "Don't worry.  Here's what we'll do.  I'll go  
into the bathroom and get ready while you stay out here and get ready.   
Then, you turn out the lights and I'll come out and we'll run and grab  
each other in the dark.  Okay?"
     She agreed and they set about getting ready.  When the husband was  
undressed, he called out to his wife, "Honey?  are you ready?"
     "Yes!"
     "Okay, then turn out the light!"
     She did so and he stepped out of the bathroom.  They then ran toward  
each other.  Now, their eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark yet and so they  
ended up running right past each other.  The husband had been running so  
fast that he went right through the window and landed in a briar patch out  
on the hotel lawn.
     For the next two hours, he was screaming for help but no one came.   
Finally the hotel manager came out and saw him.
     "Sir!  Sir!  I'm so dreadfully sorry this happened to you.  Are you  
all right?"
     "Yeah, I think so.  Why did it take so long for you to get here?"
     "Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that.  But everyone else is up on the  
second floor watching a woman who somehow got stuck on a doorknob!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       "Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine
         is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
                 when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"
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Duct Tape is like the Force.  It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.  The only difference is that "May The Force
be with you" sounds a lot nicer than "May you be covered in duct tape." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Both of their balls are ornamental.
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Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.