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Theres this guy, Mike, in his nice house in Suburbia and the house next to
his goes up for sale.

Anyway, time passes and it is sold, the new neighbour moves in, and
introduces himself to Mike, well Mike sees immediately that this guy is
American and takes an instant dislike to him.

Anyway, more time passes and this American brings some live chickens and
puts them in the back garden.  Mike wonders, but says nothing.

Then one day, Mike sees these chickens in his garden laying eggs in his 
grass, so he goes out and collects the eggs saying nothing to his neighbour.

Anyways, time passes and one day, his neighbour sees him collecting these 
eggs and says:

  A> Hey, in the USA whoever owns the Chickens owns the eggs.
  M> Well here whoever owns the place the eggs are laid, owns them.
  A> Well how do we settle this?

Mike now has an idea.

  M> Come round and we'll settle this the old fashioned way.

So, they are standing in Mikes garden and the American says:
        
  A> What happens now?

Mike explains.

  M> We each take a turn to kick each other in the nads as hard as we can,
     the one who makes the least noise keeps the eggs.
  A> OK.

Mike goes first.  He walks back into his house and out the front, (for a
good run up), and comes running through the house building up speed out
into the back  garden and kicks the American square in the nads.  The 
American sails up into the air goes flying backwards into a wall and 
collapses, but doesn't make a sound.  30 minutes later when the American
has recovered he says:

  A> So, is my turn now? (squeeky high pitched drawl)
        
Mike looks and says:

  M> No, fuck it, keep the eggs.
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  The police were doing a raid so the prostitute (who was naked) just threw
on a raincoat, ran out into the street, and hailed a taxi to get away as
fast as possible. When she arrived at her destination she realised that
she didn't have any money with her.
  "How are you going to pay?", asked the driver. She got an idea. She opened
her raincoat and asked him "Could I pay with this?"
  He turned around to look and exclaimed "Haven't you got anything
smaller?!!"
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A prostitute approaches a man as he is leaving a bar.  "For $100, I'll
do anything you can say in three words," she says.  "Fine", he says, and
hands her two fifties.  "Paint my house".
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A panda car with four policemen in it crashed into a tree, just outside
Dublin today. The IRA said they planted it.
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A computer lets you screw up faster than any invention in the history of
man - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequilla.
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The next time that you are riding in an elevator stare at someone and then
grin and say "I'm wearing new socks today."
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Q: What's a Jewish dilemna?
A: Free Ham.
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Q: Why did the JAP (Jewish American Princess) snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you freeze holy water?
A: A Pope-sicle.
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Support your local Search and Rescue:  Get Lost!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Marriage"  It's not just a word.  It's a sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
73.8% of all statistics are meaningless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If there were no sponges, how deep would the ocean be?