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A Note To The Boss...

Dear sir, I write this note to you, to tell you of my plight.
For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight,
Me body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray,
And I write this note to say why I am not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear,
But throwing them down from such a height, was not a good idear.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sort,
And he made me cart them down the bloody ladders bend me heart.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel, and secured the rope below,
But in me haste, to do the job, I was to blind to see,
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

As soon as I'd untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found,
That halfway up I met that bloody barrel coming down.

It severed me left shoulder, as toward the ground it sped,
And as I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head.
But I clung on tightly not with shock, from this almighty blow,
As the barrel spilled out half its bricks, some fourteen floors below.

I now outweighed the barrel and fell towards the floor,
And the barrel having spilled its bricks, started up once more,
As I sped toward the ground, me body wracked with pain,
And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, halfway down the office block,
Caused multiple abrasions, and a nasty case of shock,
But I clung on tightly to the rope, as I fell towards the ground,
And there I landed on the broken bricks the barrel'd scattered round.

As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst,
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I did not have a hope,
and as I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go of the bloody rope.

The barrel now being heavier, started down once more,
And landed right across me, as I lay there on the floor,
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I write this note to say,
I hope you'll understand why I'm not at work today.
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  Little Johnny's mum takes him to the zoo.  At the elephant enclosure,
the bull elephant has an erection.
  "What's that, Mummy?" Johnny asks.
  "Nothing, son, nothing," replies mum, embarrassed.
  The next day his dad takes him and, as they reach the elephant
enclosure, the elephant again has an erection.
  "What's that, Daddy?" asks the curious child.
  "That's the elephant's penis, Johnny," replies the father.
  "Mum said it was nothing."
  "Your mother's spoilt, son," preens the father.
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   McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each 
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was 
filled with olives and the martinis all consumed, the Irishman started to 
leave.
   "S'cuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had 
done.  "What was that all about?"
   "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of 
olives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT TO SAY TO JEHOVAH'S SALESMAN WHEN HE COMES TO YOUR DOOR:
Answer the door in a terry bathrobe and say, "Excuse me for interrupting 
you, but I'm a druid and I was just on my way out back to worship my 
favorite tree." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Irish nun who worked in a condom factory thinking 
she was making sleeping bags for fairies?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why don't Iraquis like their kids to marry Kuwaitis?
A: They are worried that the offspring will be too lazy to steal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!