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Recipe: Tipsy Cake

Gather together a cup of butter, four large eggs, a cup of dried fruit, a
tsp baking soda, a tsp of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and
a bottle of whiskey. First sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a
large bowl and check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest
quality, pour one cup and drink, Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat the
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoontea of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still O.K. Cry another tup. Turn off miscer. Break
two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Misc on the
burner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters pry it loose with a
screwdriver. Sample the whiskey again for tonsisticly. Next, sift two cups
of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whiskey, how sift the lemonjuice
and strain your nuts. Ad one Babblespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour
you can find. Mix well. Grease the oven. Turn the cakepan to thirsty gredees.
Don't forget to beat of the timer. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check
the whiskey again and go to bed.
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A girl walks into a bar and tells all the guys that she had two great men on
her legs.  They were skeptical.  She pulled up her skirt and showed them:
Robert Redford tatooed on one thigh and Paul Newman on the other.  The guys
were *amazed*.  They woke up the bar drunk who had gone to sleep in the
corner and said "You've gotta see this.  Do you recognize who the men are
that she's got on her thighs?"  He staggered over and tried to focus.
"Well," he said, "I don't know who they are on the sides, but the one in
the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson."
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  One day there was a man walking down the street. He saw a lamp. He picked
it up and he saw that something was written on it. He rubbed it to see if
he could read it and a Genie popped out.
  The Genie said," I'll grant you three wishes and that's it. Now throw 'em
at me. Oh, by the way I'm a feminist. So whatever you wish for your wife gets
double."
  First the man wished for one million dollars.
  The Genie said,"Your wife gets double."
  The man said,"Alright, I know." Then the man wished for a 20 ft yaght.
  The Genie said,"Your wife gets double." The man said, "Oh, I know."
  Then the man said," I want you to beat me half to death." The genie said,
  "But your wife..."
  "I know."
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  Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "Guess what! I was cleaning 
Father Obrian's room and I found a pack of rubbers"  The second one said 
"Yes, I found them last week. You know what? (he he) I poked a hole in 
each one!"
  The third nun fainted.
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A blind man walks into a bar with his dog.
He picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head.
Barman:    "What the hell are you doing ?"
Blindman:  "Just having a look around the room."
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A little girl went up to Santa Claus and sat on his lap. Santa Claus asked
her "what you want for Christmas?"  She said "I want the G.I. Joe that Barbi
comes with." Santa told her "Barbi comes with Ken dear."  She replied "No,
she fakes it with Ken but she cums with G.I. Joe!"
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In the 50's, a Finnish MP stated that half of the MPs are idiots. This 
was of course published in the newspapers. After being attacked by the 
rest of the Parliament, he corrected his statement saying that half of 
the MPs are not idiots.
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Q: Why do blondes write "T.G.I.F." in the bottom of their shoes?
A: To remind them: Toes Go In First!
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Bumper sticker:  I BRAKE for tailgaters