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MEMORANDUM TO:  ALL EMPLOYEES
 
FROM: MANAGEMENT
 
SUBJECT: REVISED RETIREMENT PLAN
 
     As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
 
     Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future plans.
 
     Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately..  This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early
(RAPE).
 
    Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company.  Provided that they are RAPED, they can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers (SCREW).
 
     All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.  This phase is called Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination (SHAFT).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
RAPED once, SCREWED Twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.
 
     If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled
to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's  Early Severance (HERPES) or
Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP), unless he/she already has
Additional Income from Depedents or Spouse (AIDS).  As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be RAPED ore SCREWED by the company.
 
     Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees
are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.
If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see
your immediate supervisor.  Your superviosr is especially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into a bar, put his pet octopus on the bar and ordered a pint.

"What the fuck's that?" Asked the Bartender, eyeing up the aforementioned
mollusc.

"That's my amazingly talented pet octopus." replied the man.

"Why? What can it do?"

"Just watch this!" said your man, and standing up he walked over to the 
piano in the corner of the room and plonked down the octopus on the 
stool with a wet plop!  The octopus went wild, tenticles flailing it 
belted out a few Jerry Lee Lewis numbers and for an encore did a 
moving rendition of Toccata en Fugue.

"That's really IS an amazingly talented octopus!" said a stunned bartender.

"Well, watch this then!" said the man, handing the octopus a guitar 
that was leaning against the piano.  With a couple of spare tenticles, 
the octopus took up the tune on the guitar, never skipping a beat.

By this time a bit of a crowd had gathered.  One bloke profferd a snare 
drum and with another tenticle the octopus began percussing.

A Scotsman meanwhile had run to his car and had brought back a set of 
bag pipes.   "Can he play these as well?" he asked. "Dunno!" replied his
owner and handed the octopus the pipes.

The octopus stopped in mid-tune, threw all the other instruments aside, 
grappled the bagpipes to the floor and began to tear them to bits, 
pieces of tartan were flying everywhere.

His owner grabbed him by the (neck?!?) and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING ??!!??"

"What does it look like I'm doing?",replied the octopus, "I'm trying to 
get the fancy pants off this bitch, so I can fuck her!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was arrested, accused of rape. He was placed in the lineup with 10
other fellows, and the accusing woman was led in to inspect the identity
parade. As she came into the room, Paddy screamed out "That's her! I'd
recognise her anywhere"!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When in doubt, think!