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The Nitpicker Minute...

Scene:  A television studio.  A man stands in front of a
camera.
 
Off Camera Announcer:  Before we go off the air for the day, we
provide the Nitpicker Minute as a public service to our viewing
audience.  Speaking today is nitpicker Joe McGinnity.
 
Nitpicker Joe:  Thank you.  Actually, before I get started, I
wanted to point out that even though it is mighty nice of you
to provide coffee and doughnuts in the waiting room, it would
have been much better to have fresh cream available.   That
artificial cream gives me the willies.  And those doughnuts
looked like they were bought this morning.  I don't know why
there is a red light on top of that camera (pointing) but it is
mighty distracting, as it reminds me of a stoplight.  By the
way, there is a stoplight near my home that doesn't seem to be
timed properly.  It always takes at least five minutes for it
to turn.  You would think that the city with all their
employees could figure out how to time a stoplight so that it
fit the traffic pattern.  I would run it but I know if I did a
policemen would catch me, and I'd end up paying a fine for the
lousy work of the city engineer.  Hey something just occurred
to me.  They call this the Nitpicker Minute.  How come you
pronounce it minit, when it's spelled minute?  Seems pretty
dumb.  There was this basketball play, Manute Bol, and they
didn't call him manit.  Maybe they don't say minewt because it
sounds like someone talking about his salamander.  You know
(pointing towards camera) I find it very confusing when you are
waving your hands about and pointing at your wrists.   Do I
look like I'm playing charades?  And how did that word come
about?  Charades...was someone stealing chairs?  Chair raids?
Sometimes I wish someone would go out and simplify language so
that we all understood the rules.   However, I don't want to
pay any more taxes for that.  Now (pointing) why are you waving
at me again?
 
Announcer:  This was the Nitpicker Minute for the day.  KRDD
now ends its' broadcasting day.  We will return at 6 AM with
Whiners Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elephant was drowning in quicksand.  He saw a mouse, and he asked the
mouse to save him.  The mouse stated that he could not pull him out due to
the size ratio, but he would go get his Mercedes, and see what he could do.
So, the mouse got the Mercedes, threw a rope out to the elephant, and saved
the elephant's life.  The elephant was so grateful, he asked what he could
do. The mouse said he would think of something.  

Next week, the mouse was drowning in the quicksand. The mouse called out to 
the elephant, and reminded the elephant that he had saved his life the 
earlier week.  The elephant lumbered up to the edge of the quicksand,
extended his "male member" out as far as it would go, the mouse grabbed on,
and the mouse's life was saved.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Jimmy was playing in front of the church one day stepping on ants.

A priest walks up to him and says, "Jimmy, don't do that." Jimmy says, "Why
not.  These ants serve no useful purpose.  They're completely useless!"
The priest responds proudly, "Not so.  Even tiny ants have a purpose in
God's plan."

Jimmy stops for second, then looks at the priest and says, "You know...
There are only three things in the world which are completely useless."

"Oh, and what are those?" asks the priest. 

Jimmy says, "A nun's tits, a priest's balls, and...

  

THESE GODAMN ANTS!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A roadside merchant who was asked to explain how he could sell rabbit
sandwiches so cheap. "Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat
in too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an
unwarranted asumption to a foregone conclusion. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
97.3% of all statistics are made up.