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A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
the races.  However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was
so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.  He figured that since
he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his
surprise the donkey came in second.  The next day, the racing sheet carried
this headline:

"Priest Shows Ass".

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered him to race again
and this time he won. The next day, the racing sheet read:

"Priest's Ass Out in Front".

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in another race.  The next day the newspaper
printed the headline:

"Bishop Scratches Priest Ass".

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the priest to get rid of the 
animal.  The priest decided to give it to a nun in the convent.  The next
day's headline read:

"Nun Has Best Ass in Town".

The Bishop fainted when he read this.  He informed the nun she would have
to dispose of the donkey so she found a farmer who was willing to buy him
for 10 dollars. The papers headlines then read:

"Nun Peddles Ass For Ten Bucks."
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  A long time ago in Europe there existed two countries that were always 
fighting.  One country was made up of vampires and the other of 
werewolves.
  One day a werewolf managed to capture a vampire who was spying.  It 
turned out to be Count Dracula, a very powerful vampire with a lot of 
valuable information.  So the werewolf brought him to the king.
  The king tried to get Count Dracula to give vital information about his 
country, but he insisted on staying silent.  So the king sent the count 
to the executioner to be tortured.  Even though the executioner put the 
count through all types of torture, he insisted, "I vill not talk!"  
Finally the executioner lost patience and got out the hatchet.  He started 
swinging the hatchet toward the count's head.  Suddenly, the count yelled, 
"Vait!  Vait!  I vill talk!"  But the hatchet had too much momentum and off 
went the count's head.  The king became very mad that the count was 
killed and subsequently had the executioner killed.

Moral:  Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a
beer.  The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed
eyelids.  No one spoke, but they all noticed that the strangers hat
was made of brown wrapping paper.  Less obvious was the fact that his
shirt and vest were also made of paper.  As were his chaps, pants,
and even his boots, including the paper spurs.  Truth be told, even
the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
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A ventriloquist was traveling through a rural area at night when his
car broke down.  Seeing a light on in a nearby barn, he walked in on a farmer
milking cows.  Just for fun, the ventriloquist made the cows
"talk".  The farmer listened for a few minutes with an astonished look
on his face and then said, "If that little cow down on the end tells
you anything about me, there ain't a word of truth in it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   This Nigger walks in to a bar with a crocodile on a chain. The barman
looks at him very suspiciously.
   The Nigger says, "I'm wondering if you server Niggers in this bar?".
   The barman said, "We sure do!".
   The Nigger says, "That's great, give me a pint a lager and throw the
   crocodile a Nigger!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  An Indian is standing on a street corner.  A good looking woman walks by
and the Indian raises his hand and says "Some!"
  The woman walks by again a few minutes laters and the Indian again raises
his hand and says "Some!"
  The woman says "I thought Indians said 'How' "
  The Indian replies "Me know how.  Me want some."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Internal Revenue Service suggests double-checking of all income tax
return calculations.  This will give you two answers, instead of the
three you would get by triple-checking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the definition of vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.