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There's this alien couple who are sent by their superiors to check out the
sexual habits of humans.  They land on earth and make contact with a couple
whose names could be Mary and Squiffy. They inform them of their mission and
ask if the couple would be interested in teaching them.  So Mary and Squiffy
talk it over and agree to help them with their mission.  Mary to teach the
alien man, and Squiffy to teach the alien woman.  So, they agree that they
would do this that very night.
 
They meet at a specified place and time.  The Mary takes the alien man by the
hand and they go off, likewise, Squiffy takes the alien woman by the hand and
they go off their separate way... all agree to meet again in the morning.
 
Mary and her alien friend make their bed and begin to get down to business.
The alien man says, "Is it long enough?" (meaning his "tool") Mary says,
"Well, it could be a little longer."  The alien man says, "No problem."  He
beats on his head with the palm of his hand and POOF... it grows another
inch...  He again asks, "Is it long enough?"  Mary, amazed at this says,
"Actually, it could be a bit longer than that."  The alien man says, "No
problem."  He beats on his head with the palm of his hand a few more times
and POOF... it grows three more inches.  Well, Mary, needless to say is in
her glory. (being that it's already twice the size of Squiffy's)  The alien
man then says to Mary, "Is it thick enough?"  Well, knowing the potential
that could be there, Mary says, "No, it could also be a bit thicker."  "No
problem." says the alien.  And he pulls on his ears... and WOOLAH... it grows
thicker... Mary is smiling from ear to ear... and the alien man asks, "How's
that?"  Mary says, "Just a little more."  So, again he tugs on his ears...
WOOLAH... again, it grows a little bit thicker.  He asks, "How's that?"  Mary
says, it's perfect... needless to say, Mary had the best sex of her life that
night.
 
The following morning, Mary and the alien man, and Squiffy and the alien
woman meet up... and they all thank each other for everything.  The alien 
couple gets into the spaceship and take off.  So, Squiffy says to Mary...
"How was your night, how was it?"  Mary says, "Well, actually, it was the
best sex I ever had, it was tremendous, wonderful.  How about you?  How was
your night?"  to which Squiffy replied, "IT WAS AWFUL, IT WAS THE WORSE SEX I
EVER HAD!" he continued, "She kept beating on my head and pulling my
ears!!!!"
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A chap walks into a pub one evening and the landlord says "Hello
Fred, come over here and look what i bought this afternoon,it's a
toothless stoat."  "A what?" say's Fred. "A toothless stoat" say's the
landlord, "you know kind of like a ferret, long and furry but it has had
all it's teeth pulled out." "Well what can this toothles stoat do then"
say's Fred. "Well", say's the landlord, "you put it down your trousers." (A
good old fashioned Yorkshire passtime putting ferrets down your
trousers.)  "It will run around down there for a while and with it being
all soft and furry you will get aroused, then the stoat will think it's
being attacked by a snake and it will try to bite the snakes head off.
But because it's got no teeth you get the best blow job you have ever
had."  "Sounds great" say's Fred. "Can i try it?" So Fred shoves the
toothless stoat down his trousers and sure enough has one of the
best sexual experiences of his life.  "Brilliant" say's Fred "how much do
you want for it."  Fred ends up paying 50 quid for the toothless stoat
and happily takes it home to show to his wife. "Hello darling" he say's
"look what i bought in the pub it's a toothless stoat."  "A toothless stoat"
she say's, "what on earth do you want one of them for?" "Never mind
what I want it for" he say's "just teach it to cook."
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Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: First, you need...
   1 elephant
   1 & 1/4 tons vanilla ice cream
   865 gallons root beer
   Combine all in a **VERY LARGE** glass. Stir gently or the root beer will
   lose all its fizz.
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I heard that the Cray 5 was so fast, it takes TWO halt instructions to
terminate a program!
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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.