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There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a
gentleman duck, and it's the mating season. The man duck starts prodding
her with his beak and she says, "Here, what do you think you're doing?
Haven't you any subtlety?" He says, "Oh, don't you want to, then?" and
she says, "Well, not here, there's people watching. Let's go to a hotel
for the afternoon, like everyone else." He says, "Where's a hotel, then?"
and she says, "There's one there on the other side of the lake. Don't you
know anything?"
 
So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, "Go on,
ask him for a room." So the man duck says to the receptionist, "Quack! We
want a room for the afternoon, please. We're on our honeymoon." The
receptionist says, "Certainly sir; room 22 ['quack quack' at bingo,
apparently], here's your key."
 
So the ducks get in the lift and go up to the second floor and let
themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he
starts prodding her with his beak again and after a while she says, "Hang
on a minute. You got a condom?" "What?" he says. "A condom! this is 1995
and I'm not going to do it without a condom." "Oh. Well, er, where are we
going to get one?"
 
"Haven't you had _any_ education?" she says. "Ring room service and ask
them to send one up." "How do I ring room service?" "For Christ's sake!
dial 0 and ask for room service." So he knocks the receiver off the hook,
prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and
when they answer, he says, "Quack! I'd like a pot of tea for two; some
scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, a
condom." "Certainly sir," says room service. "That'll be with you in 10
minutes."
 
So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the lake, and
then there's a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the
tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says,
"There's your tea, sir, and here's your condom. Shall I put it on your
bill?" "Certainly not," says the duck. "What do you think I am, a
pervert?"
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      Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting 
tired of it.  He decided to ask his shrink what to do.  The shrink said 
that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he 
wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog 
shit in place of the gift.
      Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. 
 Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here 
beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.  Then when I go downstairs I 
want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and 
when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up 
against the damn garage!"
      Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big 
pile of dog shit.  Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog 
shit around the Christmas tree.  Scratching his head, he walked outside 
and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
      When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad 
smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
      Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the 
son of a bitch." 
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One day farmer jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. First he 
stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, next 
he stopped by the animal store to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. 
now he had a delema, how was he going to carry all of his purchases home. 
The shop keeper suggested, "why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, 
carry the bucket in your 1 hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry 
the goose in your other hand." "Hey thanks four the advise", the farmer 
said, and off he went.

Walking down the street he ran in to a fair young lady with rather large 
beautiful breasts. The young lady was lost, so she said to the farmer, 
"Can you tell me how to get to 1515 mockingbird lane?" the farmer replied, 
"well sure i can, as a matter of fact, i'm going to go visit my brother, 
who lives at 1616 mockingbird lane. We can take a short cut and go down 
this alley, and save half the time to get there" the fair young lady said 
to the farmer, "how do I know that when we get in to the alley, you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull down my blouse, and fondle my large and 
beautiful breasts?" The farmer looked at the young lady and said, "I 
don't no if you noticed, but I happen to be carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up 
against the wall and fondle your big beautiful breasts?" The young lady 
turned to the farmer and said, "well, you could set the goose on the 
ground, put the bucket on top of the goose, put the anvil on top of the 
bucket, and I could hold the chickens!!!"
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Hear about the airplane that crashed in a Polish cemetary?
...So far, they've recovered over 2000 bodies!