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Play-A-Day: Announcing

Scene:  An empty room, with several harps strewn about.
 
Announcer:  This empty room, with several harps strewn about,
is about to witness a dynamic change for the better, as
something spectacular happens.
 
Announcer 2:  This dynamic room, with spectacular harps strewn
about, is about to witness an empty change for the better, as
several somethings happen.
 
Announcer:  Excuse me, but I am announcing this scene.
 
Announcer 2:  Can't stand a little competition?  I think my
wording was much more interesting than yours.
 
Announcer 3:  This empty room, with several cagey chameleons
appearing to be harps, is about to witness a tremendous change
as Mt. Vesuvius blows.
 
Announcer:  What?
 
Announcer 2:  Hey buddy, back off.
 
Announcer 3:   Make me.  This announcing gig is up for grabs as
far as I'm concerned, and it's gonna go to the most creative
and interesting of the announcers.  So just stand back and eat
my dust.
 
Announcer 4:  New Chameleoharps from Stinson & Woody will
change your dullest room into a bed of hot lava!
 
Announcer 2:  That's ridiculous.  Where's the producer of this
skit?
 
Announcer 3:  Look, it's okay to be creative, but don't be an
idiot about it.  Chameleoharps?  Hot lava?  Come on....
 
Announcer 4:  I happen to think the producer is looking for
idiotic creativity.  That's where the money is.
 
Announcer 5:  Woody plays a chameleoharp on the next Cheers.
Next on your hot lava channel!
 
Announcer:  This is bordering on the insane.
 
Announcer 3:  The tins woodsman plays THE chameleoharp with
Geraldo Rivera on the next Regis and Kathy show!  With nude
lava!
 
Announcer 6:  Desculpe. Obrigado.
 
Announcer 2:  Oh crap, we're competing with foreign announcers?
 
Announcer 7:  Mt th chmlhrp lv nd n prsn hr.
 
Announcer 3:  What the hell was that?
 
Announcer 7:  It's the newest trend in announcing...no vowels.
 Very nineties.  Or as they say in Vegas, vry nnts.
 
Announcer 5:  Isn't the y a vowel there?
 
Announcer:  Where is the producer?
 
Announcer 8:  My name is Yuri Knobstoff, and I'd like to tell
you a story about Anus Boy and fig newton man.
 
Announcer 3:  That isn't even part of the set we have in front
of us!
 
Announcer 7: S wht.
 
Announcer 3:  Now what?
 
Announcer 6:  Nao falo portugues.
 
Announcer:  Forget it, I don't need this part.  I'm gone.  I'm
out of here.  I'll try out for tomorrow's Play-A-Day.
 
Announcer 6:  Boa noite.
 
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  And on another day, a little girl was walking through a park with her
little dog, when she stops to talk to a vicar...
 
  Vicar: "Hello", he says, "and what is your name?"
 
  Girl : "Oh hello vicar, my name is Rosie."

  Vicar: "That's a very pretty name, Rosie, how did you get a name like
          that?"
 
  Girl : "Well, just after I was born, my father went for a walk in the
          hospital garden and while he was sitting on a garden bench, a rose
          petal fell from a rose bush and landed gently on his hand.  So he
          called me Rosie."
 
  Vicar: "That is a lovely story.  What is your dogs name?"
 
  Girl : "He's called Porky."
 
  Vicar: "That certainly is an unusual name for a dog.  Is it because he
          likes sausages or bacon?"
 
  Girl : "No, it's because he fucks pigs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A White Horse goes into a pub and orders a drink.
"Hey", says the barman, "we've got a brand of whisky named after you."
"What... Eric?", replies the White Horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another horse goes into a saloon bar in an old Wild West town.  He's having
a quiet drink, when all of a sudden a gun battle ensues.  So the horse
quickly hides behind a table to protect himself.  But, unfortunately, his
tail is showing and a stray bullet shoots his tail off.  The sudden shock of
being hit makes the horse jump up and another stray bullet kills him.
 
Well, the poor horse's ghost is queueing outside the Pearly Gates of heaven,
waiting to go in.  When his turn arrives, Peter asks for his name etc and
then notices his tail is missing.
 
"You can't come in without your tail I'm afraid.  You have to be complete to
come in.  You'll have to go back down to earth and get it.", says Peter
 
So the horse's ghost goes back to the saloon bar to get his tail, but the
saloon is closed.  So he knocks on the door and the bartender comes
downstairs and opens the door.
 
"Excuse me", says the horse's ghost, "I'm not sure if you remember me, but I
was shot dead in your saloon  earlier today.  I also had my tail shot off.
I've just been up to Heaven, but Peter says that I can't get in without my
tail.  Can I have it back please."
 
"I'm sorry", replies the bartender, "you'll have to come back tomorrow, I'm
not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours."