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The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in
ways of improving efficiency in communications between
Government departments.
 
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling
is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough,
through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased
programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme
would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.
 
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest
using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in
all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c'
could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed
alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of
klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
letter.
 
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it
kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth
be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty
per sent shorter in print.
 
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
 
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu
to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it
would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen
ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
 
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.