[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

In the days of the old west a man from Philedelphia decided to 
go and seek adventure in the Western Frontier.  When he arrived,
he found himself surround by rough, tough cowboys and gunslingers.
His dreams of becoming a cowboy dashed, he took a job in a saloon.
One day a fellow came riding hard into town, pulls up at the saloon 
and hollers "Everyone! Black Bart's a-comin'."  The effect was 
startling.  Everyone cleared out of the bar so fast the newcomer 
didn't have enough time to find out who Black Bart was.  In an 
instant the street outside was deserted.  The newcomer thought to 
himself "Hmph!  Ain't nobody gonna run *me* off!  I ain't done 
nobody no harm.  I'll just stay right here."

Soon a cloud of dust appears at the end of town.  Soon a figure 
is visible in the cloud.  It's the meanest looking man that the newcomer 
had ever seen.  He was all dressed in black, had a large, black, unkept
beard.  He was riding a galloping buffalo, and he was using two rattle-
snakes as whips.  The ground shook as the enormous buffalo galloped
into town, and pulled up at the saloon.  The newcomer was shaking in 
his boots but he stood his ground.  The man dismounted from his 
buffalo and threw his snakes to the ground, spit in the dust and 
walked into the saloon, tearing off both swinging doors as he entered.
He went straight to the bartender and grabbed him by the collar.  
"Whiskey!" he shouted.  The stammering bartender set a glass and a 
bottle on the bar.  The man with the big beard poured himself a glass
of whiskey and downed it in one gulp.  Then he turned to leave.  He
was half-way out when the bartender found his tongue: "That's it? 
Just one drink and you're leaving?" The man never broke his purposeful
stride. "Yep. Gotta clear out.  Black Bart's a-comin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                A LETTER TO ANN LANDERS
 
Dear Ann,
 
I hope you can help me with a problem.  I had two brothers.  One is
a car salesman and the other was recently put to death in the electric
chair for murdering two convenience store clerks who resisted him while
he was robbing the store. My mother died from a heroin overdose when I
was three years old.  I have two sisters who are prostitutes, and my
father sells various narcotics to high school students.
Recently, I met a girl who was just released from a reformatory where
she had served seven years for smothering the illegitimate child she
had when she was thirteen years old.  I want to marry this girl.
Now, for my problem.  If I ask her to marry me, should I tell her
about my brother who is a car salesman?  I will appreciate any advice
you can give me.

                Thank you,
                Schroeder Gahuvnik
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman comes out of the shower one morning.  Her husband sneaks up
behind her, grabs ahold of her breasts, and says 'honey, if you firm
these up a little bit you wouldn't have to wear a bra quite as much.' 
She was furious and didn't speak to him for the rest of the week.  The
next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her
again, grabs ahold of her buttocks, and says 'honey, if you firm these
up a little bit, you wouldn't have to wear a girdle quite as much.'
Well she was furious.  Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and
she sneaks up behind him, graps ahold of his penis, and says 'you know
honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn't have to see your
brother quite as much!!!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Guy, to his friend, on seeing two dogs mating on the lawn, "Gee, I wish I
could get my wife to do it like that."
  "Well," says the other, "try a couple martinis on her and see if that works."
  The next day, he says, "Well, it worked, but it took ten martinis."
  "Ten??" the other guy exclaims.  "How come?"
  "Well, after two, she was ready for that position, but it took eight more 
to get her out on the lawn."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?
A: The punchlines were too long.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry two pitchers of coffee and 12 donuts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colong?
A: The one who can eat those 12 donuts without using her hands.