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So this guy rings up the pet shop.

[ring ring]
"The hamster you sold me has died."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that.  Look, I'll tell you what to do. Put a
pan half full of water on the stove and call me when it's boiling."

[ring ring]
"OK. It's boiling."
"Add two pounds of sugar and ring me when it's dissolved."

[ring ring]
"The sugar's dissolved."
"OK.  Put the hamster in and keep it simmering.  Call me when it's fallen
apart."

[ring ring]
"OK it's fallen apart."
"Now chuck it out the window because it's no damn good to anyone."

Time passes........

[ring ring]
"You're not going to believe this.  There's a flower-bed full of
daffodils under the window."
"You bet I don't believe it.  You should get tulips from hamster jam."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the latest new car models has been touted as being the most
automated vehicle ever marketed.  With that sales pitch in mind, a lady
purchases one.  A few days later, she returned to the dealer, complaining
that the radio doesn't work.

"Well, madam, as I told you, this is a completely automated car.  All you
need to do is say what you want, and the radio will select it for you."

So she is driving down the road, and decides some music would be nice.
"Jazz, please," sez she.    And the greatest jazz music comes on; great
acoustics, just an all-around fine experience.

A bit later, she says "classical, please."  And here is a beautiful
symphony orchestra, with excellent fidelity, full stereo, and so forth.

As she was driving along, suddenly, some driver screams around her, jerks
over into her lane, nearly hitting her --  "Stupid jackass!" she shouts --
and the radio turns on Rush Limbaugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These 2 golfers were relaxing in the lounge at the golf course when a
friend of theirs walked in. He looked quite distressed and they asked
him what happened. When he replied he spoke with a terrible hoarseness
in his voice. They could barely understand what he was saying. After
asking him to speak more clearly several times they finally understood
him to say "Well it happened on the 6th hole. You know, over by that cow
pasture?  I hit my ball off into some trees and went to look for it.  I
looked all over the place and noticed a cow had gotten onto the course.
I noticed a golf ball stuck right under her tail.Well,  I shoot a
Dunlop ball and this was a Spaulding ball, so I knew it wasn't mine. 
About that time a woman golfer came walking up and I raised the cow's
tail and pointed to the ball and said `Does this look like yours,
Lady??', and she hit me in the throat with a 9 iron."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the 3 engineers who were talking...1st one says"look
at the joints of the body...look how fluently and efficiently they
function...for sure God must have been a mechanical engineer." the 2nd
one says "No, you're wrong...Think about it...all of our bodily
functions and activities depend on electrical impulses originating in
the brain so for sure God must have been an electical engineer." The
3rd one says, I think you're both wrong..I think that God was a civil
engineer..   The other 2 said "WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?" He replied,
Who else but a civil engineer would put a waste disposal unit right in
the middle of a playground?!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HiIliary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an
examination and he discovers that she has CRABS.  He thinks to himself
"How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?  After the
exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.  Once
there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. 
She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.  He responds that she
is suffering from NIXON'S  DISEASE. She says "WHAT?"  He again responds
"Nixon"s  Disease" .She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds,"Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs
in your oval office!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Clinton returned "from a trip to Russia.  He walked down the steps
of the airplane carrying a puppy dog in his arms.  The marine at the
bottom of the steps saluted him and said "Welcome back home Mr.
President.  That's a cute puppy dog you've got there. "The president
replied,  "Thanks very much. I got him for Hillary."   The marine
responded by saying,  "Oh, very good trade sir!!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why can't lesbians lose weight when they wear make-up?
A: Because it's awfully hard eat 'Jenny Craig' while 'Mary Kay' is on your
   face.