[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

A woman was viewing her deceased husband at the mortuary. She was looking
a little disappointed:"my," she tells the mortician "he certainly is not
dressed very well...especially compared to these other gentlemen you have
here" "perhaps I'll go home and get him some better clothes for the
funeral ceremony"

The mortician says "well, ma'am, you don't have to do that; it's quite
easy for me to put the clothes of this other man--over there--on your
husband...and no one will ever know the difference during the funeral";"we
do it all the time"

The lady comes back a few hours before the funeral and sees her hubby all
nicely dressed. "I want to thank you so much" "This must have been quite a
chore..what with all the stiffness and everything" "I really appreciate
this"

The mortician says "No bother at all ma'am, we just switched heads!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Clinton was jogging near the white house.  3 young men were nearby.\
Suddenly a car came about and was about to run Clinton over until one the 3
young men came over and pushed him out of the way. They saved his life.
Clinton wanted to thank them, so he told them that they each get one request
or wish and he will grant it to them. So Clinton asked the young men "What
would you like me to do for you?" The 1st one said " I want you to get me
into West Point." With a few phone calls clinton did as he was told. Then
the 2nd young man said "I'd like to go to Harvard" With a couple of phone
calls Clinton did as he was told. Then it was the 3rd young man's turn. He
said" I'd like to get a nice coffin in a nice burial place" Clinton was
surprised by this request. He said "Well, that's an odd request for a young
man like you??!!!" The boy replied and said "I want a coffin because My dad
is going to kill me when he finds out I saved your life!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This city slicker moves out to the rural outback.  He prances in to
the country store asking the clerk for a rooster the clerk replies,
In the country we call roosters "cocks".  He then asks to buy a hen ,
the clerk replies out here hens are called "pullets".  He finnally asks 
the clerk if he can buy a donkey, the clerk replies, around these 
parts we call donkeys "asses".  The city slicker buys these 3 animals,
and as he is leaving, the clerk informs the man that when the dockeys
stops moving, and sits,that means that it needs to be scrached.  
As he is walking home with his animals, the donkey sits and refuses 
to move.  The man then remembers that the donkey needs to be scrached.
As a beutiful young lady walks by, he asks her, "will you hold my cock,
and pullet while I scrach my ass?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A major airline recently introduced a special half price fare for the wives
who accompanied their husbands on business trips.  Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of the
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed
their trip.
The letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one
of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend who just bought a new VCR.  It is so sophisticated 
that it can automatically adjust for daylight savings time.  Now it 
flashes 1:00!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the penalty for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why are men so smart and women so talkative?
A: Men have two heads and women have four lips...