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                            Cartoon Laws

Cartoon Law I.
      Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
        aware of its situation.
                Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
                He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
                chances to look down.  At this point, the familiar principle
                of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
  
Cartoon Law II.
     Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
        intervenes suddenly.
                Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
                characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
                telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
                motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
                termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
  
Cartoon Law III.
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
        conforming to its perimeter.
                Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
                specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
                reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
                directly through the wall of a house, leaving a ookie-cutout
                perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or matrimony often
                catalyzes this reaction.
  
Cartoon Law IV.
     The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
        than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
        ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
        unbroken.
                Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to
                capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
  
Cartoon Law V.
      All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
                Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
                propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky
                noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
                upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
                the crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character who is
                running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
                the ground, especially when in flight.
  
Cartoon Law VI.
     As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
                This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
                which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
                cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously.  This
                effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
                being throttled.  A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
                replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
                walls to achieve the velocity required.
  
Cartoon Law VII.
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
        tunnel entrances; others cannot.
                This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but
                at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
                wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
                him into this theoretical space.  The painter is flattened
                against the wall when he attempts to follow into the
                painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of
                science.
  
Cartoon Law VIII.
   Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
                Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
                nine lives might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated,
                spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or
                disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.  After a few
                moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate,
                snap back, or solidify.
  
   Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.
     For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
                This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
                applies to the physical world at large.  For that reason,
                we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
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                A TALE OF A BUNNY AND A SNAKE

One day, a blind bunny and a blind snake bumped headlong into each other 
while navigating a trail. Each profusely apologized for having gotten in 
each others way. The bunny said "I am blind and could not see you." Snake 
said "I, too am blind." Bunny said "Snake, would you be so kind as to help 
me understand what I must look like to the sighted?" Snake said he would, 
and began to coil himself around bunny, taking note of every feature that 
he felt. Snake finally said "you are soft, furry, have long ears, a nose 
that twitches, and a tail like a big ball of cotton." Bunny was very 
happy and thought that to be nice. Snake asked bunny to do the same for 
him. Bunny ran his nose all up and down snake, and finally said "you are 
long and rounded like a tube, slimy, have a pointed tail, beady eyes, and 
have a forked tongue." The snake immediately burst into tears and wailed 
"Oh no... I'm a lawyer!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dog called Stay...
"Come here Stay! Come here Stay!"
...it went insane.
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Q: What did the zen master say to he hot-dog-vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.