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A native Australian person (we'll call Morton) goes into a crowded bar.  He
walks up to the bar and shouts "Drinks are on me.. ".  As all the people
in the bar go to get re-fills, Morton says to the bartender, "I wanna beer,
and you have one too".

Anyway, 10 minutes passes and the bartender asks Morton to pay the $754.30
bill for the round of drinks.  Morton says "I got no munney..", so the
bartender belts the absolute crap out of Morton and then throws him out on
the street. 

Another 10 minutes pass, and Morton walks into the bar again, and shouts
"Drinks are on me.." and points to the bartender and says "But not for you,
you get angry when you drink.."
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This guy walks into a store and orders a Kielbasa sandwich.

The owner says "Are you Polish?"

The man replies, "What do you mean am I Polish; just because I ordered a 
kielbasa sandwich.  If I ordered corned beef & cabbage would that mean 
I'm Irish, or what if I ordered fried rice, would that mean I'm 
Chinese?"

The owner replied, "Sorry, but the reason I asked is that this is a 
hardware store!!"
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Paddy's sack

"Paddy, what you got in that sack there?"
"Ducks, Mick.  I've got ducks in the sack."
"If I can guess how many ducks there are in the sack, will you give me
one?"
"I'll do more than that, Mick.  I'll give you them both."
"Four?"
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A famous math professor was unusually absent-minded the other day when
he picked up the phone, trying to dial for pizza, and heard: "The number
you have just dialed is imaginary.  Please rotate your phone 90 degrees
and try your call again."
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The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be!
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Teach a man to fish, he'll eat fish the rest of his life.  Teach a fish
to learn, and soon the fish will all be running around in schools!
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Q: Hey did you hear that Pee-Wee Herman now has his own chain of laundromats?
A: Yeah, the name of the stores are called "Drop Your Pants And Jacket Off".
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Q: How many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to hold the penis...er...the ladder.
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Q: Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
A: So they won't whistle on the way down.
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Q: How many ART DIRECTORS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
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Q: What do Polish lesbians use for lubricant?
A: Tartar sauce.
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Q: What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy?
A: Decafinated
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My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
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The Canadian Alphabet has 40 letters in which 14 of them are "A?"