[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

                        A Guide To Internet Flaming

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Brian
Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified
to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God Bless You!), by using
the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of .........."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-READER to
PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin &
Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good
form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, |Didley has libelled
me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, |Didley."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta
preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici",
"fetuccini alfredo".

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you
received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs,
GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'".

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the
37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or
move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them
by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of
flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will
undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This
person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look
generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult
the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with
..........."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a handy form that can be used for flaming...


                                THIS IS A FLAME

 Dear

[ ] asshole     [ ] fag         [ ] ignorant snot       [ ] prick
[ ] nerd        [ ] Elvis       [ ] lonely masturbator  [ ] computer geek
[ ] retard      [ ] sycophant   [ ] Samuel Stoddard

 You are being flamed because

        [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
        [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
        [ ] you posted a "test"
        [ ] you used vi and left a whole bunch of editing garbage on the
                screen
        [ ] you posted a request for an article which was posted three times
                in the past week
        [ ] you claimed to have the original GGBJ
        [ ] you posted some sort of religious crap that doesn't belong in
                this group
        [ ] you posted an article that was not funny, unoriginal and very
                boring
        [ ] your mother dresses you funny

 To recant, you must

        [ ] actually post a humorous article
        [ ] give up all your worldly possessions and become a Tibetan monk
        [ ] hang yourself by the big toe for 72 hours
        [ ] abstain from sex for a month (shouldn't be too hard for you)
        [ ] shave your head, paint a target on it, and go to Iraq
        [ ] give your Congressman a donation of three hemp plants to
                decorate his office
        [ ] become politically correct and demand that manholes be renamed to
                peroffspringopenings
        [ ] cut your balls (or breasts, if you're a woman) off
        [ ] _________________________________________________

 Thank you for the time you have taken to read this, and please detest from
 the offending behaviour that led to this flame.  Also, FUCK OFF!