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There's these two gateposts at the end of a drive and on top of one is a
statue of a boy, and on the other is a statue of a girl. They have been
there for 200 years when a fairy comes along and sees them.

Well, the fairy thinks, they've been there for all this time, they
deserve a bit of a treat. So the fairy brings the two statues to life and
says, "For 1 hour, you can do anything you like. For 1 hour, you are
alive. You've been there for 200 years looking at each other and been
unable to do anything. Go into the woods and do what you've always wanted
to do." The fairy smiles, thinking of what the two statues will get up to.

So the two statues say thanks very much and leg it into the woods. After
some time, they come back and hop back onto the gateposts. The fairy is
quite surprised that they've not been very long, and says, "You've not
been very long, you've got quite a while left, why don't you go back and
do it again?"

The boy looks at the girl and says to her, "OK. This time it's your turn
to hold the pigeons while I sh*t on it."
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A man hires a mexican, a chinese man, and a black man to work in his coal
mine.  He tells the black man that his job is to use a pick ax and hammer
the coal out of the wall of the mine.  He instructs the mexican to load
the coal into a cart and carry it out of the mine.  He puts the chinese
man in charge of supplies. After giving these instructions the man leaves
town on a business trip.  A month later he goes back to check on his
employees.  He finds the black man hard at work hammering away the coal
form the wall, but it is still all piled up beside him.  The boss then
goes to ask the mexican why he hasn't carried away any of the coal.  The
mexican explains that his cart broke shortly after the boss left and he
couldn't find the chinese man to get it replaced.  The boss is furious and
begins to search the mine to find out why the chinese man hasn't done his
job.  As he is walking through the mine,  the chinese man jumps out from
behind an old cart and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"
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Scientists experimenting with a new laxative were worried that they had made
it too strong, so they constructed the following (admittedly bizarre and
unlikely) experiment. First, they stuck a cork up an elephant's ass. Then
they fed the elephant the laxative. Next, they stationed observers (graduate
students, most likely) 100 yards, 50 yards, and 10 yards away from the
elephant's rear. Finally, they trained a monkey to pull the cork. All was in
readiness. The scientists hid in a bunker half a mile away and gave the
monkey the command to pull. Incredible amounts of brown goo gushed out. When
the torrent stopped, the scientists rushed out to find the observers. The
observer 100 yards back was in shit up to his ankles. The observer 50 yards
back was in shit up to his knees. The observer 10 yards back was completely
buried. The scientists rushed to uncover him before he suffocated, and were
suprised to find him hysterical with laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"You should have seen that monkey trying to stuff the cork back in..."
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A monkey is sitting near a river and washing a banana skin in the river.
A crocodile is swimming by and he asks:'Hey, monkey, what are you doing?'
  - If you give me a dollar, I'll tell you.
The crocodile is quite curious and gives her a dollar.
  'Well, - the monkey says, - I am washing a banana skin in the river'.
The crocodile is angry. 'Monkey, - he says, - are you stupid?'
  - Stupid or not stupid - but I make $100 a day!
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Two little ants are returning from a drinking party.
They meet an elephant. "Get out of our way", says one ant.
"Its easy to flex muscles, if you are in majority",
replies the elephant in panic.
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Hear about the arab baker?
Every morning he would kneel down and pray to the yeast..
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The U.S. Postal Service announced that it plans to issue a Richard M.
Nixon stamp this year.  They said that it will be the first two-faced
stamp in history.