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May 19, 1995

A priest and a rabbi lived next door to each other.
Whatever one did, the other had to do better.

The priest got a new motor mower.
The rabbi got a new sit-on motor mower.

The priest got a satellite dish.
The rabbi got a motorised one.

The priest bought a Mercedes.
The rabbi bought a Rolls-Royce.

The priest stood in front of the Mercedes with incense and holy water and
blessed it.
The rabbi cut six inches off the Rolls' exhaust pipe.
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The priest and the Rabbi were involved in a head-on collision in their
Rolls Royce and Mercedes respectively.

The Rabbi leapt from his car and helped the shaken priest from his
wrecked vehicle.

"You look terrible" said the Rabbi kindly.  "Hold on"

He goes back to his own car, opens the boot and brings out a bottle of
scotch.  He hands it to the priest who has a small sip.

"Feeling better?" he asks the priest.

"A bit," replied the priest, still looking a bit shaky.

"Have some more!" cries the Rabbi generously.  The priest takes the
bottle and has another, larger slurp.

"Don't you want any to steady your nerves?" asks the priest concernedly.

"What, with the Police arriving so soon?"
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Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport café
when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins
to eat.

Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding
last week and we all got rat-arsed."

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says
he will marry my mum next year."

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever
marry my mum."

The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of
you bastards please pass the salt."
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A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed a new deal with the management. We will no longer
work four days a week." "Hooray", goes the crowd.

"We will finish work at 4pm, not 5pm." "Hooray", goes the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 10 am, not 9am." "Hooray"

"We have a 150% pay rise." "Hooray"

"We will only work on Wednesdays"

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Johnny was born without a body his parents swore they
would search the world until they found a cure. On one of
their many journeys they finally found a doctor who said
he could cure Johnny. They hurried home to tell him the
good news. "Johnny, we've got a surprise for you!" they
told him when they arrived. "Oh no," Johnny replied, "not
another fucking hat!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nun comes to the mother superior (or whatever the hell that's 
called) and says:
        - Mother, I was raped yesterday. What should I do??
        - Take seven lemons and eat them without sugar.
        - Will that make me a virgin again?!
        - No, but it will wipe that goddamned grin off your face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Chinese tourist traveling in New York City goes up to his tenth New
Yorker and says [with a Chinese accent],  "Excuse me, but could you tell me
direction to Carnegie Hall or should I fuck off?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and
an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to
explain to a fish what it's like to be wet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many screws do it take to hold a lesbian's bed together?
A: None, it's all tongue in groove.
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