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                    A Southern Moves Up North

Jan 10
5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow.  The first of the season and the
first one we've seen in years.  The wife & I took our hot butter rums
and sat by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground.  It was beautiful.

Jan 11
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape.  What a fantastic sight.  Every tree & shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle.  I shoveled snow for the first time in years
and loved it.  I did both our driveway and our sidewalk.  Later a city
plow came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted
snow from the street.  The driver smiled & waved.  I waved & shoveled
it again.

Jan 12
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the tempature has
dropped to around 11 degrees.  Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow.  I shoveled our driveway again. 
Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again.  Much
of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan 13
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the tempature dropped again.  Bought snow tires for the cars. 
Fell on my ass in the driveway.  $145.00 to the chiropractor, but
nothing broken.  More snow & ice expected.

Jan 14
Still cold.  Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4, in order to get her
to work.  Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable amount of
damage to right-rear quarter panel.  Had another 8 inches of the white
shit last night.  Both vehicles covered in salt & crud.  More shoveling
in store for me today.  That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan 15
Two degrees outside.  More fuckin' snow.  Not a tree or shrub on our
property hasn't been damaged.  Power was off most of the night.  Tried
to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,
which tipped over and nearly burned the house down.  I managed to put
the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on hands and lost all my
eyelashes & eyebrows.  Car slid on way to emergency room and was
totaled.

Jan 16
Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down.  Have to put on
all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox.  If I ever
catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart.  I think he hides around the corner and
waits to plow our driveway again.  Power still off.  Toilet frozen and
part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 17
Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and
god knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night.  I
wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. 
Wife left me.  Car won't start.  I think I'm going snow blind.  I can't
move my toes.  Haven't seen the sun in weeks.  More snow predicted. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Unaware that her husband had painted the toilet seat, the lady settled
in for what needed doing; we can imagine her dismay when she discovered
that she was stuck tight.  Her cries brought her husband, who tried a
variety of things without success.  Finally, he called the Fire Department
for assistance.  As the firemen were coming up the stairs, she said, "For
God's sake, give me something to cover up with!"  And her husband gave her
the only thing available at the moment, a cowboy hat.
  So, there she was, stuck tight to the toilet seat with a cowboy hat in
her lap as the firemen came piling into the room.  The Chief examined the
situation this way and that, and he finally said, "Well, I'm sure we can
save her, but the cowboy's a goner."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a country far far away where the police still know the locals, Pedro
was staggering along the main street with his car key in his hand. The
local officer of the law came along and asked:
     "What's happening, Pedro, are you drunk again?"
Said Pedro,"Someone stole my car ... it was here only a few minutes ago".
     "Don't worry about that now. Just get yourself a taxi and go on home.
      And, by the way, your hotdog stand is open".
Pedro looked down at his exposed one-eyed trouser snake and said:
      "Oh shoot, they stole my girlfriend too".