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SPEAKING OF PARROTS....

There was this guy who was a traveling salesman. He was browsing the
various pets in a pet shop one day looking for something that would be a
companion for his wife while he was away on his long road trips. Well dogs
and cats were nice, but his wife wasn't too fond of them. And fish weren't
really  very personable.

The salesman was standing there looking frustrated when the pet shop owner
came up to him. "I've got just the thing," he said.

"What's that," the salesman asked.

"A bird -- a parrot," the owner said. "A parrot makes a great pet. And it
will keep your wife company by talking to her when you're gone."

The salesman thought about it for a moment and finally agreed to look at
the owner's stock of pet parrots. Well, the birds were beautiful, but much
more expensive than he'd imagined. Except for one peculiar looking parrot
squatting on its perch in the corner away from the other birds.

"Why's that one so cheap?" the salesman asked.

The pet shop owner shook his head at the bird. "That poor thing was born
with no legs," he said.

The salesman stared at the bird. "How does he stay on the perch?"

The pet shop owner grew red-faced with embarrassment. "He wraps his penis
around the perch."

"You're kidding," the salesman said.

"No," the owner said. "And another thing. This bird repeats everything it
sees. It's a very intelligent bird."

"Really?" the salesman said.

"Yep," the owner replied. "Parrot, what did I do today?"

The parrot ruffled its feathers. "Awk, rang up sales. Awk, rang up sales."

"What else did I do today?" the owner asked.

"Awk, fed the animals. Fed the animals."

Well, the salesman was really impressed. He bought the bird and took it
home. His wife was just as impressed with the present her husband brought
home and told him so. She placed the parrot and his cage in the livingroom.

The next day, the salesman came home from his office and walked up to the
parrot. "Well parrot, what did my wife do today?"

"Awk, watched soap operas. Awk, watched soap operas," the parrot replied.

"What else did she do?"

"Awk, cooked supper. Cooked supper."

Satisfied, the salesman went into the kitchen to greet his wife.

Well several weeks passed, and the salesman returned from one of his long
sales trips. After kissing his wife hello, he walked up to the parrot which
was sitting quietly on its perch.

"Well parrot, tell me what happened while I was gone."

The parrot ruffled its feathers. "Awk, neighbor John came over. Awk,
neighbor John."

"What happened then?" the salesman asked becoming suspicious.

"Awk, neighbor John began kissing your wife. Awk, kissing your wife," the
parrot said with a whistle.

"And then."

"Awk, neighbor John unbuttoned her blouse and fondled your wife's breast.
Awk, fondled her breast."

"And then."

"Awk, they got undressed. Awk, undressed."

"And what happened then?" the salesman said angrily.

"What happened then?" the parrot squawked, tilting its head. "Awk, don't
know what happened. Awk, got a hard on and fell off the perch. Awk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  This nun comes into a liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey.  The
proprietor is shocked; he says, "Sister!  I didn't think that nuns were
supposed to be drinking whiskey!"
  But she said, "Oh, this is for my Mother Superior's constipation."
  Well, he'd never heard of that particular use for the vile brew, but he
went ahead and sold it to her.  Two hours later, the proprietor was locking
up the shop and he trips over the nun, drunk in the gutter, holding the
empty whiskey bottle.  He's scandalized.  He said to her, "Sister!  I'm so
disappointed in you!  You said that was for your Mother Superior's
constipation."
  "Well it is!  She'll shit when she sees me like this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So the law firm Dewey, Cheatum and Howe  need to promote a female to partner
or risk getting sued. So they get togather and decide to "accidentially"
over pay each one by $5000 for the month.

Female 1: Immediately returns the money, explaining that there's been a 
mistake.

Female 2: Keeps the money and puts down a payment on a new car.

Female 3: Invests the money, makes a killing, the returns the money
with half of the profit she made, keeping the other half for herself.

Q: So which one gets the promotion?
A: The one with the biggest tits.