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Three men were sitting at a bar having a few beers and shoting the 
breeze while a stranger who was sitting a few stools away was listening 
to their conversation.

Man #1: Who do you think you are that you can eavesdrop on our 
conversation?

Stranger: I'm Jesus Christ.

Man #1: Sure you are.  Ha!  Ha!

Stranger: When you were small, you fell, broke your right arm, it wasn't 
set properly and to this day you don't have full range of motion.

Man #1: How do you know all this?

Stranger: I'm telling you, I'm Jesus Christ!

Stranger: Come closer.

The man comes closer and the stranger touches his right arm.

Man #1: This is amazing, I can move my arm really well now!

Stranger to man #2: You sir, were born blind in your left eye.

Man #2: How do you know that?

Stranger: I'm telling you, I'm Jesus Christ!  Come closer.

The man comes closer and the stranger touches his left eye.

Man #2:  This is amazing, I can see perfectly!

Man #3 to the stranger:  Mister, I don't care who you are, just stay 
away from me.  I'm on DISABILITY!
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A polish kid goes to his dad after school and asks:

Kid:    "Daddy, why is it that all kids 'n school can count up to ten, 
        whereas I can count up to 100, and back down to one?"

Dad:    "Cause, boy, you're Polish and my son, that's why"

The kid goes filled with to school. Next day same story, different question.

Kid:    "Dad, why is it that all kids in school tell the alphabet up to 
         'k', while I can do it all the way to 'z' and can also quote
        the greek alphabet?"

Dad:    "Cause, sonny, you're polish and my son, that's why."

Next day, kid goes to his father 'n says:

Kid:    "Dad, tell me something. Why is it that kids in school, back in
         the jawn have little penises half an inch long, while mine
         is THIS big!?"

Dad:    "Cos, son, you're polish, you're my son, AND YOU'RE FUCKING
         30 YEARS OLD, that's why!"
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A father, mother, and baby duck are standing at the edge of a lake.  Father
sticks his head between his legs, comes back up, says "My instincts tell me
it's time to fly south", and he flies away.  Mother sticks her head between
her legs, comes back up, says "My instincts tell me it's time to fly south",
and she flies away.  Baby sticks his head between his legs, comes back up,
and says "My in-stinks too, but it don't tell me nuthin'.".
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Three gay guys are walking down a beach.  One of them finds a lamp, and lo
upon rubbing it, a genie appears.  "I usually give my liberator three wishes,
but since there are three of you, I'll give each of you one wish" intoned 
the jihn.  The first guy says "I want to be really butch!" and POOF! He
was a Cowboy. Second guy says, "I want to be even more butch than him!" 
and POOF! He was a Leather-man.  The third guy says "I want to be so butch
it makes these guys look swishy!" and POOF! he was a Lesbian.
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There's a sign at our local Burger King's kiddie play area that I've
always wanted to take home and place above my bed...It reads:
        THANKS FOR COMING!
        HOPE YOU HAD A REALLY FUN TIME!
        PLEASE DON'T FORGET YOUR SHOES....
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Q: How many university engineering dept. faculty members does it take to
   screw in a lightbulb?
A: We'll be happy to look into that, how soon can you get a research
   proposal approved and funding committed?
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Q: Why is it impossible to take a group photo in WV?
A: Everytime the photographer says "cheese" they all get into single file.
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Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pit-bull?
A: Lipstick!
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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: FUCK YOU!