[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

There were these three ducks who lived on this peaceful pond.  They got 
into trouble and were sent to the duck who was in charge of the pond, whose
name was Bill.  The first one stepped up in front of Bill and looked at the 
ground.

Bill asked, "What's your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules.  You're
suspended from the pond for one week."

Duck waddled away.

The second duck approached Bill.
Bill asked this duck, "What's your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill again.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're
suspended from the pond for one week."

Duck Duck waddled away.

Now Bill, was getting annoyed and thought he had discovered a pattern. When 
the third little duck waddled up to him Bill said, "Let me guess.  You're 
Duck Duck Duck?"

"Nope" replied the little duck. "I'm bubbles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer was on his way to the Supreme Court for a terribly important
trial, when WHAM! he finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven.
St. Peter comes up to him to escort him inside.

The lawyer panics and starts to scream, "No way! I strongly object! There
must be a mistake with your records your St. Peter's Honor! I'm only 32.
I'm too young to die!" 

St. Peter looks at him bewildered, scratches his beard and 
comments that if all that was true, ok, he was indeed too young to be
there. "Wait, I'll go 'n check my books and be with ye in a jiffy," 
St. Peter says and disappears.

After a couple of minutes he comes back. "I do object!" the lawyer
insists. "Overruled," says St. Peter coldly. "According to our records,
we've added up the hours you've charged your clients so far, and according
to our calculations you are 102!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Working in the Indian jungle they had the elephants working all day
clearing wood and generally keeping busy.

Fred joins this lumberjack camp as a new recruit. But whatever he does
he can't get the elephant awake in the morning. In desperation he
calls for the foreman.

The foreman says, "Don't worry, there is a guaranteed way of getting
them up in the morning." The foreman then leaves and comes back a few 
minutes later carrying two house bricks.

The foreman goes up to the elephant and smashes the bricks together,
sandwiching the elephants balls between the two bricks.

There was a mighty roar and the elephant gets up and starts stumbling
in roughly the right direction.

Fred, with tears in his eyes, asks, "Didn't that hurt?"

The foreman replied, "Oh, no, you just have to be careful to keep your
thumbs out of the way and it's fine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An international passenger jet was losing altitude while over the
Atlantic. The pilot's voice came over the intercom stating that they have
already jettisoned all the cargo and that they still need to jettison five
hundred pounds. "Surely, there are three people who would be willing to
sacrifice themselves to save the rest!"

An Englishman jumped out, shouting, "God save the Queen!"

A Frenchman jumped out, shouting, "Viva la France!"

A Texan got up, threw out a startled Mexican and shouted, "Remember the
Alamo!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fairly dangerous inmate of a Mental Institution (in for various sexual
offences) escaped from the hospital.  While on the run, he manages to break
into a dry-cleaning factory to hide from his pursuers.  The following
morning, while he is still keeping low, the workers of the dry-cleaners 
arrive. Unfortunately for our escapee, they are all female and he cannot 
control his urges. He goes mad in a frenzy of raping before fleeing to 
escape the police. The headlines in the newspaper the following day read:
                   "Nut Screws Washers and Bolts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did Helen Keller say about the cheese grater someone gave her as a
   Christmas present?
A: It was the best book she'd ever read.