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A blind man wanders into a saw mill one day looking for a job. He stumbles
around for a while, until finally a fellow stops him to ask where he is
going.

"I'm looking for a job," says the blind man.

"A JOB?" asks the fellow, "What the hell kind of a job could you do here?"

"Well," says the blind man, "I can identify any kind of wood in the world,
just by the smell of it."

"I'll tell you what," says the fellow in charge, "I'll just give you a
little test and if you pass it, I'll hire you right here and now. I'm going
to stick different types of wood under your nose, and if you can identify
all of them, then you're hired."

The blind man agrees and the test begins. First they stick a piece of cedar
under his nose. The blind man sniffs the board slowly, then flips it over
and slowly sniffs the other side.
 
"That's a piece of cedar, from Northern Ontario" the blind man says.

"Not bad," says the boss, "But that was an easy one."

Next they shove a piece of pine under his nose. The blind man runs his nose
down the board, slowly sniffing every inch of it. Then he turns it over and
 slowly sniffs the other side of it.

"That's a piece of pine, from B.C times," says the blind man.

"By God that's pretty damned impressive," says the boss. "One more test and
it's all over."

Everyone is watching in awe as a beautiful buxom harlet is led over to the
bossman who whispers for her to disrobe and lay down in front of the
blind man.

"If you get this one right, you're hired," says the boss.

The blind man slowly sniffs the woman's body from her head to the soles of
her feet, then flips her over and sniffs her again from head to toe, then
waits a minute, then flips her over, and again sniffs her from head to
toe. The blind man pauses a moment then says, "Gentlemen, I believe this
is the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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A bloke is going through the checkout at a supermarket when he realizes,
"Oh damnit, I forgot to grab some condoms." 

The checkout chick asks him, "What size do you take sir, Regular, Medium or
Large?"

"Gee, I don't know," replies the bloke.

"Would you mind dropping your pants please?"

The customer duly obliges, upon which the checkout chick reaches over and
grabs his tackle. After a quick squeeze, she grabs the microphone and speaks:
"Packet of Large condoms to checkout 7 please, repeat, large condoms to 
checkout 7." The condoms arrive in due course, the customer thanks the 
checkout chick and leaves.

A 15-year-old boy has been watching this with some interest. Being a typical
15-year-old, he rushes up to the checkout with a few token items for 
purchase.  As the checkout chick is scanning his goods, he squeaks, "Gee 
miss, I forgot to get my condoms... and I forgot what size I take."

"Drop your pants," the checkout chick asks, and the young lad all too happily
obliges. The chick reaches over, has a quick squeeze, and then speaks into
her microphone:

"Mop and Bucket to checkout 7 please!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very large, very fat and extremely ugly looking woman is walking her pet
duck through the park one afternoon. It's a lovely day, the sun is shining
and the birds are singing, the young children are running around playing,
and everything is right in the world.

Just then a very drunk, scruffy looking wino wanders over to the lady,
removes his hat and holding it to his chest asks, "Where did you get the 
pig?"

"It's not a fucking pig, you drunken ass," replies the lady, it's a fucking
duck. 

To that the wino replies, "I was talking to the fuckin' duck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you sure go through a whole heap of lightbulbs.
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Q: What do you call a cross between a Cockatoo and a centipede?
A: A Walkie Talkie.