[ Top | Categories | Archive | Subscribe | Contribute | JokeMaster | DreamHost ]

For more great Funny Bone humor...
be sure to SUBSCRIBE to one of the FREE mailing lists!

THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...

     If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
     floor butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window
     or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

     But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
     up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
     Will the cat land on its feet?  Or will the butter splat on
     the ground?

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you
have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
 cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium
point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift,
or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the
civilized species of the Universe already use this  principle to drive
their ships while within a planetary system.  The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of  several hundred
tabbies. And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship
using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say,
about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs,
thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines.
More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?
I offer a modest proposal:

 We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat.  Plaster the outside of
your ship with white shirts.  Place four nozzles symmetrically around the
counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine.  Your only hope at
that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide.  This will create
the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor he
skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume performs  
some excellent leaps but with out any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores  read:
Britain 5.8 Russia 5.9 United States 5.5 Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume,
skating to some rock and roll music.He gets the crowd clapping , but 
technically not so good as the Russian slightly mislanding a triple Salchow 
and losing the centre during a spin. But artistically a more satisfying 
performance.

The Judges' scores  read:
Britain 5.8 Russia 5.5 United States 5.9 Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, 
with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice trips straight away
and bangs his nose which strts bleeding. Tries to get up   staggers  a few 
paces then slips again. Spends his entire  'routine' getting up then 
slipping over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tatty and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores  read:
Britain 0.0 Russia 0.0 United States 0.0 Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison
"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0"

To which the Irish judge replies
"You've gotta remember, it's damn slippy out there" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An avid hunter had recently undergone a conversion experience.  He also
had a big hunting trip to Alaska scheduled, and decided to go ahead with
the trip.  He was standing near a ledge halfway up a mountain, when the
Lord spoke to him:  "Do you really think you should be out here killing
my creatures just for sport?"

Well, he thought about it and decided that he must give up hunting, and
to make it final he threw his rifle over the cliff he was standing by.
He really felt great; his conscience was clean -- then he heard a growl.
The former hunter turned around to find himself trapped between the cliff
and a
giant black bear.

"What do I do now Lord?", he asked.  Shaking with fear, he prayed, "God,
please make this bear a Christian!"  Suddenly, the bear knelt down and
crossed himself!  Then the bear said, "Bless us O Lord, for these thy
gifts which we are about to receive ..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
     Go over to him, and kick him in the behind.  Run up a nearby tree.
If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear.  If he
knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.
--  October 1990 Backpacker Magazine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's better than roses on a piano?
A: Tulips on an organ.