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`\ ` .' | |__ _
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| | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
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\__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
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|(,_|
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T H E F U N N Y B O N E
S A M P L E R
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( , ) This
is just a very small sample of the fun that you can
'--' '-' find each day in your
e-mail. The Funny Bone offers three
very unique ASCII art illustrated mailing lists: The Sunday
Funnies, The Daily Fun List, and The Dirty Fun List.
One list is sure to
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_
_
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_..._
Things Mom Would Never Say
.'`_{@},`'.
/ .' *{@}. \
|/ \|
"How on earth can you see the TV
||_._._._._||
sitting so far back?"
| |=(. .)=| |
) | ^ | ( _
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
/\_/ \ '-' / \_| \
| .-`'---'`-. \` |
"Just leave all the lights on...
\ |===========| / /
it makes the house look more cheery"
'/ \|=======|/\/ /
/\|\___/ / |======/ \ /
"Let me smell that shirt --
\__.____/ /-o---'\ `` ,
Yeah, it's good for another week"
.-'/ /..--'|
; ( .--' ;
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog,
| '.
/-.-,
honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk
\ '. /
| \
him every day"
\ ;. ; | <
jgs | \'._ / \ / /
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK,
/ \ ` `'-'
that's good enough for me."
'-._____.'
/___..-|
"The curfew is just a general time to
\___/\_/
shoot for. It's not like I'm running
a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to
improve."
_
_
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
__
.--._,' `\
A man wrote a letter to a small
(__.' '-, /
hotel in a Midwest town, which
/_ _ \
he planned to visit on his
__|e)e) |
vacation.
.'_ ;
,`)
| (_) | /_.----._.' /
He wrote, "I would very much
\_/\___/ ,d8`
\
like to bring my dog with me.
/ .-\\,oo8P`
;
He is well groomed and very
| / |;"`
|
well behaved. Would you be
| | ||
, _ /`'.
willing to permit me to keep
\ './/'\. .' /.--;'-. |
him in my room with me at
'--'.-._;' .' .-' /'-;` \
night?"
(((. .-'\ (((_.' \ )
jgs '._).'`--'
`-`
An immediate reply came from
the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel
for many
years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal
towels, bed
clothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your
dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for
you,
you're welcome to stay here, too!"
_
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(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935,
/| ,
he was called Happy Rabbit.
,/// /|
// // ,///
Bubble gum contains rubber.
// // // //
// // || ||
Only 55% of all Americans know
|| || // //
that the sun is a star.
|| || // //
|| || // //
|
|| || || ||
| .
\\,\|,|\_//
`. * |
.'
\\)\)\\|/
`. ._|_*
.' .
)-."" .-(
. * .' `.
*
//^\` `/^\\
-------| |-------
// | | \\
. *`.___.' *
.
,/_| 0| _ | 0|_\,
.'
|* `. *
/` `"=.v.="` `\
.' * |
. `.
/` _."{_,_}"._ `\
. |
jgs `/` ` \ ||| / ` `\`
| jgs
`",_ \\=^~^=// _,"`
"=,\'-=-'/,="
The sound of E.T. walking was made by
'---'
someone squishing her hands in Jello.
Per capita, pets in Great Britain have the highest standard
of living?
60% of all pets in Great Britain have some form of health
insurance.
/
\ The sex organ
on a male spider is located at
\ \ ,, / /
the end of one of its legs.
'-.`\()/`.-'
.--_'( )'_--.
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac
/ /` /`""`\ `\ \
in the Middle Ages.
| | >< | |
\ \ /
/ Most American car horns honk
in the key of F.
jgs '.__.'
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music,
he poured ice water over his head.
__,__
.--. .-" "-. .--.
A monkey was once tried and con-
/ .. \/ .-. .-. \/ .. \
victed for smoking a cigarette in
| | '| / Y \ |' | |
South Bend, Indiana.
| \ \ \ 0 | 0 / / / |
\ '- ,\.-"`` ``"-./, -' /
About 70% of Americans who go to
`'-' /_ ^ ^ _\ '-'`
college do it just to make more money.
| \._ _./ |
[The rest of them are avoiding
\ \ `~` / /
reality for four more years.]
jgs '._ '-=-' _.'
'~---~'
(\____/)
A pig's orgasm lasts
/ @__@ \
for 30 minutes.
( (oo) )
`-.~~.-'
It's against the law to catch fish with your
/
\ bare hands
in Kansas.
@/
\_
(/ / \ \)
The only surviving Japanese Kamikaze pilot
jgs WW`----'WW
from World War two is named 'Chicken
Teriyaki'. He regularly writes to his
friend, Stanley Kowalski, who was a Polish Kamikaze pilot
with over
50 missions to his credit.
_
_
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ o o
\ \|/ _,
__.' /`_/
A guy walks
/` u ;#
into a pub
`c-_..__,/ ##
with a giraffe
);:'##
under one arm.
| ##
|:.:##
He walks over to
|. ##
the bar,
|:.'##
places the giraffe
|.::##
on the floor,
/ ' ##
and orders a beer.
|.:' ##
;::' .:#
The barman gets
/ ' '#
the guy his drink
| .: '::.`'-..__
and then says...
|:. .::' `\.
"You can't leave
|::: ':. .:\\
that lying there!".
\ ', . .::' .:: |\|
|'.|.:| ' ' /
At this comment
| \ '|._.:: | |
the guy replies...
| /|.:| `"";`| .:|
/ || / | ; '|
"It's not a lion...
\ // | \:'\ |
it's a giraffe."
| /\ / ; ;| \
| || | | || /
| || | | || |
_/ j| | _/ J| |
(/_/_/ J (/_/_/ j
jgs (/_/
(/_/
_
_
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_.-"""""-._
A guy who has been married for 20 years,
.' '.
suddenly finds himself having to go to
/
\
the market to shop as his wife is ill.
## .--. .--. ##
Well this is the first time he's been
##_ ___ ___ __##
there in all that time and is unprepared
_ ##-// \\=// \\-## _
for the prices being charged for many
/ \# \\_0// \\_0// #/ \
items.
\( \ '-;' ';-' / )/
|) | |
(|
He is quite fond of nuts but can't find
\_/| / \ |\_/
any, so he seeks out the manager. He
| \__.-.__/ |
sees a man with a HUGE nose helping out
\ .==.==. /
a lady shopper (who is laughing uncon-
'. \`---`/ .'
trollably) and asks him "Do you have
jgs `. `"""` .'
any peanuts?"
'-...-'
The manager replies"yes sir they're $5.99 a pound"
"Oh,"says the man, "How about cashews?"
"Yes ,they're $7.99 a pound"
"I see. How about walnuts?"
"Oh sure, They're $8.99 a pound"
"Well they're all too expensive for me, but thanks anyway"
says the
man.
The manager replies "No problem and I'd like to thank you
for not
laughing at me. You may have noticed that I have a
rather large
nose and people seem to make fun of that all the time."
"Oh" the shopper says, "That's your nose? I thought it was
your dick,
your nuts are so high!"
_
_
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley -
jokemaster@funnybone.com
( `. .' )
`. ` /'
Get Your Free Subscription Today
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(__, |
For more humor, visit
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L_,)|
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ASCII Art by Joan Stark
| |
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/ '.
Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved.
( , )
'-' '--'