Funny Jokes - Funny Stories - Funny Cartoons

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                       |__   __| |                      Arpil 24, 2008
                          | |  | |__   ___                    Thursday
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    |(,_|                              |___/           ISSN: 1527-6171
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                         Stealing A Mercedes
                                                      _.=;;=._
                                                    .:-'`||`'-:.
                                                   //    ||    \\
 Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes     ||     ||     ||
 Benz, and after a long trial, the jury           ||   ,//\\,   ||
 acquitted him.  Later that day Carlson came       \\,//'  '\\,//
 back to the judge who had presided at the          './.____.\.'
 hearing.                                        jgs  `------'

 "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty
 lawyer of mine."

 "Why?" asked the judge.  "He won your acquittal.  What do you want to
 have him arrested for ?"

 "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
 his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."


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           T O D A Y 'S    C A R T O O N S    F O L L O W

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                  Online Larry's ... Modem-Mania!

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               Quality... Selection... Intimidation!
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             A smile is just a frown turned upside down.

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                       But THIS is ridiculous!
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              We've all heard of the Neilson ratings.

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         Ever wondered how they come up with those ratings?
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                     The 9 types of boyfriends.....

 1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
 Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
 Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
 Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

 2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
 Let's stay home and watch TV."
 Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
 Advantages: Stays put; predictable
 Disadvantages: Pain in the butt

 3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
 Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
 Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
 Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

 4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin." "
 Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
 Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
 Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

 5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
 Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
 Advantages: Well rested; easy target
 Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

 6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
 Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
 Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
 Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

 7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
 crazed weasels."
 Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
 Advantages: Perpetually aroused
 Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

 8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
 know how, but--"
 Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
 Advantages: Tells good stories
 Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

 9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
 like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
 Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
 Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
 Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


                   The 9 types of girlfriends

 1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you
 shouldn't have."
 Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
 Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
 Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

 2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB! Can't
 you see you're making me miserable?"
 Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
 Advantages: Pays attention to you.
 Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

 3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
 Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
 Advantages: Predictable
 Disadvantages: Contagious

 4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
 haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
 Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
 Advantages: Often right
 Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

 5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch
 my career, goals, home, or hair colour?"
 Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
 Advantages: Easily soothed
 Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

 6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on
 the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
 Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
 Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
 Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
 snickering at"
 Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
 Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
 Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

 8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
 how I feel about our relationship"
 Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
 Artistic
 Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
 Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

 9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
 are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you
 like a crazed weasel."
 Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
 Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
 Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
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